Thoughts on homebirth

Folks, I'm tired of apologizing every time I post here after a long break. Suffice it to say, I'm often mentally or physically too exhausted to put my thoughts into words. From now on, I'll just post as I can, without all the apologetic preamble.

We attended a seminar on homebirth this week. Mr. December and I had already done most of the research, so the only thing that was new to us was seeing all the equipment that the midwives bring with them. I had already decided before this week that we're planning on having a homebirth. Mr. December is supportive, but open about the fact that it wouldn't be his choice.

I'm not sure why people keep saying that I'm "brave" to try a homebirth. Frankly, there is an element of fear driving my decision: fear that I won't be listened to by hospital staff I've never met before; fear of being pushed into unnecessary interventions "just in case"; fear of winding up with a c-section for "failure to deliver within hospital timelines" or some other stupid reason, AKA winding up with an "unnecessarean".

I know that many of those fears are based on things I've heard from friends in other places, most notably the U.S. But fears are fears, and they're not entirely bogus.

I'm also choosing homebirth to be able to move, eat, scream, shout, and generally do whatever I feel the need to do to get this baby out. During Kali's birth, I felt pressured by the nurses to be quieter, out of consideration for the other women. Consideration is a great idea, I'm all for it, but at that moment I needed to vocalize. Loudly. Also, the l&d room I was in was smaller than an average dorm room from the 1970's. There was really nowhere to move around except in the hallway. And it stank of pee and disinfectant, as hospitals usually do.

When I was admitted to my delivery room at Kali's birth, the nurse started asking me all kinds of questions I had already answered either on a form or in my doctor's office (hence it would be in my chart). Having to listen to this litany of questions while trying to deal with very heavy labour was just really unfair. Why do we do pre-admission paperwork if they're just going to break our concentration to do it again when we arrive in full-blown labour?

In choosing a homebirth, I know that I'll be cared for by midwives who know me (and already know all the answers to those stupid questions), allowed to take my time birthing (as long as both the baby and I are in good shape, obviously), and given the space and freedom to do what I need to do. Really, NOT having those things would take a level of bravery that I don't have.

Besides, I'm dreaming of how nice it will be to be helped to shower after the birth, and then be tucked into bed with my new baby and some healthy snacks, and to be monitored when I am awake and ready instead of being disturbed by a nurse who wants to come take my vitals at HER convenience even if it means disturbing my rare and precious sleep.

Any questions?

Scenes from the playground

Kali is climbing an s-shaped ladder up to a platform 6 feet in the air. Decemberbaby is about 20 feet away, talking to another mom, when she notices what Kali's up to.

Decemberbaby: Wow! Look what she's doing!
Other mom: Oh my God, I can't look.
Decemberbaby: I have to look. I might need to describe this at the emergency room later.



Incidentally, she did it all by herself. Kali is a surefooted little girl. Sure, her feet slipped once, but after a tiny whimper she pulled herself up and kept going. Hooray for my free-range kid!

Date night!

Well, Kali is still sick, but we have a prescription for antibiotics, so hopefully this will be the end of it.

She's in a big-girl bed now. The first few nights were an adventure in returning her to her bed every ten minutes. Then, inspired by Suz, I started taking away one of her stuffed toys every time she escaped the bed. When the first sheep was confiscated she cried bitterly - sobbed, really. And that was all it took. These days, if I hear her starting to tiptoe, I loudly tell Mr. December, "I need to go check on Kali. I hope she's not out of bed, I'd hate to take away her toys!" Every single time, she jumps back into bed and does a credible job of faking sleep. I'm so proud.

And tonight is date night! We're taking our chances on a comedy club, after having ruled out two plays and the symphony. Why, oh why is culture so expensive? Is it a self-perpetuating cycle where it's too expensive so nobody goes, and then since attendance is down they raise ticket prices? What a shame. I would have liked to see Colin Mochrie perform at Canstage tonight. Alas, we weren't in the mood to spend $150 and not even eat anything.

So hopefully I'll be laughing hard enough to pee my pants (a likely outcome, given that Cletus is kicking me in the bladder these days), and avoiding yet another evening saying, "we should really get out sometime."

it's company policy to give you the plague...

Ugh.

I just realized that my last update was three weeks ago, at which time Kali was sick.

Guess what? She's sick... still or again, it's hard to tell. This time she's taken me down with her. Can't talk without coughing and stuffed up beyond stuffy. What I wouldn't give for some ColdFX or Nyquil now.

Cletus the Fetus is fine... feels like he's perfecting his drumming solos during the long nights when mummy is trying to sleep. At least someone in this house has some energy.

I have nothing witty to say here. It's four in the morning and I need to get back to bed.

Coming soon: adventures with the "big-girl bed"

Where to begin?

I guess I could start with my morning...

Today was my day to be "duty mom" at preschool, so of course Kali got sick and I was unable to go. I needed to drop off snack at the very least, so I left Kali with Mr. D and headed out.

While brushing snow off my car, I slipped on some ice and twisted my ankle... and fell. Then I got back up, started scraping the windshield, and... my ice scraper broke. Picking up the pieces, I noticed the sticker that proclaimed, "I'm unbreakable!" Yeah, unbreakable my backside.

So that's been my morning. On to last week:

We spent the week in Orlando, Kali and I along with my parents. The Magic Kingdom felt like a total rip-off, but Disney's Animal Kingdom was awesome. Kali was mesmerized by the Nemo musical show, and she bounced with Tigger! We've got some awesome video footage of her going right up to the giant plush characters and playing with them.

The downside... she didn't sleep very well, which landed me in a fibro-flare just as soon as we got back home.

So that was last week. Let's talk about my last ultrasound!

My ultrasound was at one of those obnoxious places that insist on partners staying outside until after the measuring is all done. I told Mr. December not to even show up until 30 minutes after my appointment time, but the scan was all done within 20 minutes. The technician was stuck with me, and I with her, so I proposed we have some fun.

I took out my iPod and pressed the headphones to my belly. On the ultrasound screen, we saw Cletus begin to move. Arms waving, butt wiggling, it was a little fetus dance party! I moved the headphones up to my ribcage, and little Cletus craned his (her?) neck and swiveled to see where the music was coming from. It was so cool.

Kali seems like such a big kid these days. She sings along with me anytime I sing. Amazingly, she knows all the words to songs like "somewhere over the rainbow" and "what a wonderful world". The other day I told her to sing to me, and she did - all three verses and the bridge. I'm officially impressed.

That's my life in a nutshell. Purim is this week and we don't have any costume plans. I need to run some errands but all I want to do is sleep. I'm 22 weeks pregnant today.

The wait is over

My auntie died last night. Baruch Dayan Emet.

I have other news, but this entry needs to stand alone.

Some kinds of waiting suck more than others

Today I was brutally reminded that some kinds of waiting suck way more than others.

My aunt (technically, my cousin's wife, but she's way older than me and she's just my aunt, ok?) is dying. She's had cancer for at least the past two years, probably longer. This morning we got the call that she has a few days left, if that. Of course we went over there. Of course I hung out with my cousins, her kids, and reassured them that they don't have to be social with the fifty bazillion people coming to say goodbye. And I ached for them, not just for the weddings and births at which their mother will always be missing, but for the fact that they have nothing to do for the next few days but wait. They don't feel like eating, or sleeping, and they certainly don't want to go anywhere. They don't want to sit next to her, because they don't want this image of her to be branded into their minds over all the other happy memories. They're just waiting for her to die.

In this perspective, the two-week-wait sounds like a total cakewalk, emotional rollercoaster and all.

I'm back...

Hey everyone,

We're back from our vacation in the hot sun (which was wonderful and left me wondering why I live in Canada). According to the internet, I'm now a bit over 18 weeks pregnant, which just strikes me as weird... it moves very slowly and very quickly all at once.

Know what else is weird? I haven't gained any weight during this pregnancy. None. I have a reasonably big belly, but the scale has remained the same. I've tested the scale. It's not broken. This is just weird, and also a bit of a relief - I already gained 15 pounds during our 10 months of fertility treatments. Surely that's enough to sustain Cletus the Fetus for now?

Kali is at turns entertaining, cuddly, and maddening. Everything she sees is "I want that", and anything she doesn't want me to do is "I don't like that". I'm quite looking forward to having a little baby again, one who stays where you put it and doesn't talk back.

I've long believed that if my kid doesn't look a bit like a street urchin at the end of the day, it was a wasted day. In that spirit, please enjoy my newest list:

10 things I had to wash off my daughter's face tonight

1. Peanut butter
2. Dried challah dough
3. Bits of carrot
4. Residue of corn-based wet-and-stick packing peanuts
5. Dirt
6. Tears
7. Cookie crumbs
8. Snot
9. Purple marker
10. Wine. Yes, wine. Red.

And with that, I'm off to wash my own face and go to bed.

suddenly fun

I don't know what happened between my recent post about my frustration with Kali and today, but she's suddenly adorable, fun, and relaxing to be around. She's currently "cooking pasta" in her play kitchen. Periodically she comes over to feed me. It's the best invisible pasta I've ever eaten. She's also singing along to "Snuggle Puppy" as she rocks from side to side.

As I said, she's fun. I don't know what happened to the toddler annoyance I was dealing with before, but I'm grateful to have my happy, cuddly girl back.

Excuse me, I have to finish my invisible pasta before Kali will let me have some invisible cookies.

Best. Morning. Ever!

Well, I got off my butt and decided to bundle Kali up and head out to the park. We spent an hour playing in the snow, tobogganing, and drinking hot chocolate. Along with the three friends we'd invited to join us, we were the only people in the park.

People, it's Canada. Why won't you bring your children outside to play? It's only -8C out there (that's 18 degrees for my American readers)! Really, bundle up and you're fine for a few hours.

Whatever. We had the best tobogganing slope all to ourselves, and a clear view across the park of our kids running in the snow. It was awesome.

Best of all, Kali was all worn out when we got home. I expect a nice long nap.