Thursday, January 29, 2009

Why not "just relax"?

Okay, finish rolling your eyes at the title. I can wait.

But seriously, people. This time around, for me, it's a valid question. With my last few cycles being reliably 28 or 29 days long, with easily identifiable ovulation pains, with an ultrasound to confirm that I ovulated and that my ovaries look - in Dr. C's words - "very fertile"... why exactly am I signing up at the clinic again? Why not just relax?

For starters, I think it's lovely that my body is getting all predictable now, but I don't believe it will last. Years ago when I went off the pill I had about 4 predictable and regular cycles. Then my body went back to 75-day cycles, conflicting ovulation signals, and symptoms that suggested pregnancy except that I NEVER OVULATED. A big part of me believes that my body will fall into its old patterns again - so if I didn't get pregnant on one of those first cycles (and I didn't) I'd be shit out of luck. So I'm being proactive and outmaneuvering my body by getting started with the clinic before it can get all fucked up again.

Devil's advocate types are probably shaking their heads and asking, "Isn't it possible that being pregnant and then nursing may have fixed what was wrong before? Aren't you maybe in a wee bit of denial? Maybe you're a fert now!"

Yeah, maybe. And yeah, denial is a river in Egypt, but I can still pay for a cruise and hang out there for a good long time.

And then there's the issue of miscarriage. I know (in the logical part of my brain) that the miscarriage I had was probably just normal, one of those things. It happens. But the illogical part of my brain wants prevention in a major way - progesterone suppositories - and an early warning system - ultrasounds, beta HCG series - so that I don't get blindsided like that EVER AGAIN. It was bad, it was depressing, I lost a year of my life to that shit, I'm just not going there.

For those of you playing "psychotherapist: the home game" you might have noted that there's a common theme here. Yes, you're right. There's a one-word reason for going back that explains everything:


I'm afraid of not getting pregnant. I'm afraid of getting pregnant and miscarrying and becoming a bitter shrew.

And that's why I'm back in the stirrups again. Just in case you were wondering.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Back in the stirrups again

Well, here we are. Kali is 13 months old. Today we headed back to the ol' clinic to get started on kid #2.

It felt like going home, really. Same nurses, same doctor. They've redecorated, which is nice, and there's a new doctor on board, but basically it's the same.

We took Kali with us. I know the issue of babies in the waiting room at clinics has been done to death, so I'll be very brief and say that I wouldn't take her during monitoring hours, we took her to show off to the doctors and nurses, and I made her a little "I'm a [insert name of clinic here] baby" t-shirt so that any new patients would understand that we're not just a couple of fertile jerks. In predictable toddler fashion, she wasn't thrilled to be there. I had hoped for better behaviour... but what can you do?

Now, the appointment: our labs are all back in, everything looks good, and we're ready to get started as soon as my period gets here. Femara and IUI worked before, so that's the plan... except they now start with 5 mg of femara instead of 2.5. That suits me just fine since I got pregnant with Kali when we upped my dose to 5 mg.

While we were there, I mentioned to the doctor that I'm curious to know what my ovaries have been up to lately. He agreed to do an ultrasound.

Ovaries? Check. Uterus? Check. All present and accounted for. And hmm... what?

The lining of my uterus claims that I've ovulated. Spontaneously. Cool! And... wow! My ovaries have no cysts!

So really, why are we back at the clinic if my body can do this on its own? I'm still struggling with that one. I think I'll leave it for tomorrow's post. In the meantime, if you're a returning reader, welcome back.