Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Everybody but me...

The online communities I'm part of have seen an incredible baby boom in the last few weeks. All of the girls who comforted me after my miscarriage are now pregnant (after miscarriages of their own). Most of the girls who started trying after I got pregnant are now pregnant.

We went to my cousin's wedding in Crown Heights. Interesting experience, but largely painful for me because there were pregnant women everywhere. And most of them were younger than I am (which says a lot, because I'm only 26).

I feel like the last infertile standing.

Did I mention that I probably haven't ovulated yet? And that my hubby doesn't want to do the bloodwork today (for no particular reason), which will just delay the results and the subsequent medical treatment?

Sometimes I wonder whether god actually wants me to have kids. I really really wonder.

Monday, November 06, 2006

And how do you feel about that?

I met my therapist today. What can I say? Our first session, she reminds me that what's happened to me is really really shitty and I have the right to be very upset. She recommended that I plan my meltdowns - no longer than an hour a day - so that I can function the rest of the time and still get the grief out. Fun.

Then I came home and slept the sleep of the dead for four hours. I remember hubby coming home and joining me in bed for a while. And then I fell asleep and woke up with that disoriented "is it AM or PM?" feeling.


My apartment now most closely resembles a third world country. The fruit flies are attracted to the dirty dishes that are everywhere... so everywhere I go, I find flies around me. I almost expect Suzanne Somers to walk in and start talking to the camera:

"Hi, I'm Suzanne Somers. Did you know that in our own country, hundreds of infertile women are too depressed to do the dishes? For only 100 dollars a week, you can get this woman the help she needs to keep her home clean. Please call today."

Welcome to the dream factory...

I'm 26. I don't ovulate unless coerced by strange herbs. I suspect PCOS, although apparently no doctor wants to see me. I got pregnant by a stroke of luck, and miscarried AFTER the risk had gone down to 5%.

I am, by all accounts, an exceedingly fortunate person. I have a functional family (well, just dysfunctional enough to be funny). I have a wonderful husband who knows how to make me laugh and who puts up with my hormonal mood swings. I have a number of friends, some of whom are genuinely helpful in tough times. I'm intelligent and reasonably attractive.


I'm fat, and for some reason can't maintain a healthy weight. I'm a bit neurotic. I have a tendency to obsess and ruminate over the bad things that happen to me. My self-esteem has taken several beatings over the years and until now I've always bounced back. I'm unable to keep my apartment clean for longer than a few days.

And I'm depressed... and hopeless... and when I express my fear that I'll never have children, never conceive, the well-meaning people I know say...

"Of COURSE you'll get pregnant!"

um, yeah. where did you get YOUR medical degree?

I've ovulated exactly three times since 2006 began. Twice I induced it by drinking Fertilitea. Otherwise I'm doomed to 70+ day cycles that leave me wondering why God even gave me ovaries. But yeah, OBVIOUSLY I'm going to get pregnant. It's just a matter of time before... um... my ovaries wake up? God decides to stop jerking me around? The wait to see a gynecologist is LESS than 4 months from referral until appointment time?

Of course I'll get pregnant. Or not.

Welcome to the dream factory.