Monday, November 06, 2006

Welcome to the dream factory...

I'm 26. I don't ovulate unless coerced by strange herbs. I suspect PCOS, although apparently no doctor wants to see me. I got pregnant by a stroke of luck, and miscarried AFTER the risk had gone down to 5%.

I am, by all accounts, an exceedingly fortunate person. I have a functional family (well, just dysfunctional enough to be funny). I have a wonderful husband who knows how to make me laugh and who puts up with my hormonal mood swings. I have a number of friends, some of whom are genuinely helpful in tough times. I'm intelligent and reasonably attractive.

And...

I'm fat, and for some reason can't maintain a healthy weight. I'm a bit neurotic. I have a tendency to obsess and ruminate over the bad things that happen to me. My self-esteem has taken several beatings over the years and until now I've always bounced back. I'm unable to keep my apartment clean for longer than a few days.

And I'm depressed... and hopeless... and when I express my fear that I'll never have children, never conceive, the well-meaning people I know say...

"Of COURSE you'll get pregnant!"

um, yeah. where did you get YOUR medical degree?

I've ovulated exactly three times since 2006 began. Twice I induced it by drinking Fertilitea. Otherwise I'm doomed to 70+ day cycles that leave me wondering why God even gave me ovaries. But yeah, OBVIOUSLY I'm going to get pregnant. It's just a matter of time before... um... my ovaries wake up? God decides to stop jerking me around? The wait to see a gynecologist is LESS than 4 months from referral until appointment time?

Of course I'll get pregnant. Or not.

Welcome to the dream factory.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sara, I can really, really relate. (despite the considerable gap in our ages). but that won't make you feel any better. i wish i was a wish granting genie and could give you some hope. til you feel it, i will hereby hold on to your hope for you!
peace
shlomit

Thalya said...

Welcome to our world, Sara. I'm sorry you got to stop by.

By the way, you know that PCOS is a risk factor for miscarriage? So your various fertility woes may be linked.

Yodasmistress said...

Just taking Mel's advice to check out last year's Creme!