Thursday, January 29, 2009

Why not "just relax"?

Okay, finish rolling your eyes at the title. I can wait.


But seriously, people. This time around, for me, it's a valid question. With my last few cycles being reliably 28 or 29 days long, with easily identifiable ovulation pains, with an ultrasound to confirm that I ovulated and that my ovaries look - in Dr. C's words - "very fertile"... why exactly am I signing up at the clinic again? Why not just relax?

For starters, I think it's lovely that my body is getting all predictable now, but I don't believe it will last. Years ago when I went off the pill I had about 4 predictable and regular cycles. Then my body went back to 75-day cycles, conflicting ovulation signals, and symptoms that suggested pregnancy except that I NEVER OVULATED. A big part of me believes that my body will fall into its old patterns again - so if I didn't get pregnant on one of those first cycles (and I didn't) I'd be shit out of luck. So I'm being proactive and outmaneuvering my body by getting started with the clinic before it can get all fucked up again.

Devil's advocate types are probably shaking their heads and asking, "Isn't it possible that being pregnant and then nursing may have fixed what was wrong before? Aren't you maybe in a wee bit of denial? Maybe you're a fert now!"

Yeah, maybe. And yeah, denial is a river in Egypt, but I can still pay for a cruise and hang out there for a good long time.

And then there's the issue of miscarriage. I know (in the logical part of my brain) that the miscarriage I had was probably just normal, one of those things. It happens. But the illogical part of my brain wants prevention in a major way - progesterone suppositories - and an early warning system - ultrasounds, beta HCG series - so that I don't get blindsided like that EVER AGAIN. It was bad, it was depressing, I lost a year of my life to that shit, I'm just not going there.

For those of you playing "psychotherapist: the home game" you might have noted that there's a common theme here. Yes, you're right. There's a one-word reason for going back that explains everything:

Fear.

I'm afraid of not getting pregnant. I'm afraid of getting pregnant and miscarrying and becoming a bitter shrew.

And that's why I'm back in the stirrups again. Just in case you were wondering.

4 comments:

My Reality said...

Aren't you also dealing with a slight male factor, too?

I hope the stay in the stirrups is short this time.

decemberbaby said...

Nope, no male factor. Just me.

sariel & shlomit said...

I too hope life in the stirrups is short lived. Ugh. I also feel like a shmuck but I think I'd feel like a bigger shmuck if I didn't say that we were TOTALLY blind sided by our m/c. DESPITE the fact that, in maternal years, I am ANCIENT!!! I have no advice for how not to get blind=sided, just that we did everything: fragmin, PIO (ouch!), weekly u/s, the whole shmeer...and still had a m/c.

Let's just hope that is something you NEVER have to deal with again!!!

Thanks for being there for me...it helps!

peace
shlomit

Aurelia said...

Dude, I get it. And didn't you use baby aspirin before?

Anyway, I think a little monitoring and IUI will be good.

And you can skip a month or two if things get busy and go back, but yeah, a little reassurance is good.