I'm here, we travelled and came back in one piece, and I'm still pregnant - 13 weeks, 4 days.
I've been dealing with a lot of doubt and guilt lately. Doubt that I can handle two kids, and guilt that I'm not even enjoying the one I have right now.
There. I said it.
Thing is, I don't do toddlers well. Sure, I'm fabulous with them for a couple of hours, but the day in, day out routine of constant (destructive) activity, alternate defiance and clinginess, and outright tantrums just wears me down. I can't count the number of times I've put Kali down for a nap because I'm tired... of her. I feel like a terrible mommy.
Yesterday I sat down and read my blog, starting from Kali's birth. I was so smitten with her. I loved every moment, even the poopy ones. The fact is that I do infants really really well. I have mad skillz when it comes to newborns. Reading the blog again reminded me that once upon a time I felt competent and fully in awe of my daughter. I need to get some of that feeling back.
And I have to say, Kali is an amazing kid. She's gorgeous, for starters, and she talks a mile a minute (this is both good and bad, I'll admit). She's obsessed with Finding Nemo right now. She still sucks her thumb and lays her head on my shoulder when she's tired, but when she's not... watch out! She's into everything. She thinks my maxi pads are giant stickers. She knows where we keep the popsicles and how to access them (note to self: buy a lock for the fridge). She's never met a puddle in which she didn't want to splash. She's lively and adorable. I love her, and sometimes I can't stand her.
Someone knock some sense into me. I know I'm lucky beyond belief. I just need to feel it.
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Get pregnant. See heartbeat. Tell everyone. Miscarry. Get angry. Bitter. Bitter. Still bitter. Fertility testing. PCOS. Treatment. Pregnant. Hold breath... hold breath... hold breath... and exhale. Finally a mommy, minus my innocence. I am so lucky. It's not always fun, but it is entertaining... to my readers. Any resemblance to good advice, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Welcome to the dream factory.
8 comments:
I'm so sorry to have to break it to you--this is normal.
I adore my kids as babies, and love them older. But as toddlers? ummm, well, it's hard to deal with the screaming and destruction, and locking things helps a bit, but ughhh.
It was even harder when I was pregnant and sick and harder still when I was tired or travelling or alone because my husband was travelling.
Please don't beat yourself up. This really is a stage you will just have to get through. And you will.
It's the parents who claim they always love their children who make me suspicious.
Three cheers for your honesty.
FosterAbba, make no mistake. I always love my daughter. I just don't always like her very much.
Totally and completely normal. Toddlers and so demanding and needy and sometimes it gets to be too much, right? Who would love that all day long? Plus you are tired from being pregnant. Give yourself a break, woman!
For me there was nothing harder than being pregnant and taking care of my toddler. It was downright awful some of the time.
It does get better when the baby is out of the womb though there are plenty of other challenging moments :) Its awfully nice to have a sweet newborn to snuggle when the toddler is acting like a fool.
I understand 100%. The guilt, the crying over if you're doing the right thing. The putting them in the crib and just walking away. My son is about to be two, and I've broken down more than once feeling like the worst person in the world because I didn't spend enough time with him that day.
I absolutely adore my son with all my heart, but sometimes you just have to walk away. I hear it's normal, and I'll be honest, I'm glad to see someone else has the same kinds of feelings. I hear that it passes, and you just have to bear it and breathe. Putting them down for a nap is way better than locking them in a cage (Which, lets be honest... we've fantasized about at least ONCE.) Unless I'm totally wrong on that, inwhich case... Lol, sorry for my assumption.
Anyways, the point is, you aren't alone. They hit this stage were everything they touch becomes a broken memory, but eventually it has to get better. So hold on, enjoy the ride and think about the days when you're old and wrinkled and miss when they were getting into the syrup in the fridge. :)
You know that I was in the exact same situation, not too long ago. The cool thing about toddlers is that they continue to grow up. When Jack was 18 months and I was nearing the end of my pregnancy with Lexi, I was thinking, "Dear GOD, what was I thinking about this 2 kids thing!?!"
But... Every day that Lexi grows up and turns into more of a toddler, Jack turns more into a little kid. He's able to better express his opinions and wants, not just screeching at me like a dinosaur (as his sister is so fond of doing).
There are many days that I look at them and think about running away to the circus... For the most part, it's pretty cool to have two. Remember all that random crap you stress about with your first kid? Yeah, totally doesn't happen with the second. You do stress about other stuff, but not all those little things that you did wtih the first...
If my stupid self can do it, you're going to be a master!
:)
Maybe you need a job. Maybe you're an incredible mother 1/2 of the day and a mediocre mother the other half (because you're so worn out from being so amazing the first half!)...
But seriously...maybe you just shouldn't be doing mommying 24/7. Maybe you're the kind of person that needs some space from her baby. I've come to accept that there's a part of me that's just like that. And it's OK. It doesn't make us bad. It's just who we are. Maybe you need to get away a bit so that you'll enjoy Kali that much more when you're around her. I always appreciate my baby more when I've picked her up from the babysitter. (Note: I'm currently a SAHM...but I leave the baby with a babysitter sometimes because I just can't stand the thought of shopping for groceries or a new skirt with her in tow. I need some peace!!)
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