One week ago today, I was out walking with Mr. D and our doula. Every four minutes a contraction would hit and I'd have to lean against someone and breathe my way through it. It took us half an hour to walk a route that normally takes 10 minutes.
Today I walked that same route with our new baby. It only took ten minutes. She seemed unimpressed, choosing to sleep through the experience rather than look up at the (admittedly gray and depressing) sky. As I pushed the stroller along, I realized that this is what I've always wanted, what I've dreamed of. I always thought there would be a feeling of excited amazement bursting out of me when I finally got my baby; instead, it feels like life as usual. The new usual. It's amazing how quickly I've become accustomed to her face.
This child is such a tremendous gift and a blessing. I never want to take that for granted. But I wonder, have I just skipped over the sense of immense gratitude and privilege? Will it hit me later? Or is this really the gift I'm getting, the ability to finally feel like a normal new mum, simply accepting the fact that of course I have a baby?
They say that names matter. Perhaps I should have named my blog differently... because today, instead of marveling at the miracle that I've received, all I can think is, of course. Of course I got pregnant.
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Get pregnant. See heartbeat. Tell everyone. Miscarry. Get angry. Bitter. Bitter. Still bitter. Fertility testing. PCOS. Treatment. Pregnant. Hold breath... hold breath... hold breath... and exhale. Finally a mommy, minus my innocence. I am so lucky. It's not always fun, but it is entertaining... to my readers. Any resemblance to good advice, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Welcome to the dream factory.
9 comments:
Sara,
I thought about you all Shabbos this week. I kept imagining the immense pleasure you must be deriving from your first shabbos with your baby. Your first opportunityt to bless her after lighting shabbos candles. Your first shabbos where you close your eyes to make the bracha on your candles and where you ask God for healthy and happiness for you baby and not just you and your husband. Your first Shabbos as a family.
I'm very happy for you! And I'd love to see pictures!!!
Oh...and one more thing. Don't feel too bad about not exploding with gratefulness and excitement. I think all women get a pass on that because, as much as children as a miracle and a blessing. This IS the way it's supposed to be.
I think you have achieved what many of us still long for. You have reache d mommy hood and I am sort of Glad that it isn't this magical fairy land. It makes the goal seem more attainable. That becoming a mom is just reality and everything will feel "normal" for once.
Good Luck!
I understand completely. Even in the hospital I felt like all was right and usual. I had one moment of amazement the night we brought her home when I said to DH "Can you believe we did this??", but for the most part we settled into parenthood quite easily.
I'm so glad you have this experience. You truly deserve it.
Love to you.
That was a great post! Sorry I've been in a blogging coma...but I'm back! Congratulations!
You'll go back and forth on all those emotions, it takes time to really settle in.
You aren't taking it for granted, you are just trying to take it all in.
Fantastic post!!
Sara, I check your blog everyday and have loved most, if not all of your entries however, I think this is my absolute favourite. You sound so happy, so at peace and so calm. I am so happy for you! I too can't wait to walk down the street with my little angel. A day when most people feel glum and dreary because of the weather you sound like you are living in a world of sunshine and happiness. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have tears in my eyes....
OY! You gave me shivers with this post.
You bring tears to my eyes...I am so happy for you and mr. d.
peace
shlomit
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