the pee sticks don't lie.

I'm not pregnant. Again.

My nurse asked "so... do you want to do this again right away?" I guess there are people who need to take a break. I know some of those people. But my response was, "I'm not gonna get pregnant any faster if I sit on my ass and do nothing, you know."

Stick with me. I anticipate that CD1 will be on Thursday or Friday. And then... back on the rollercoaster.

(If I devour a dozen soft & fresh cookies today, can I still blame progesterone and hormonal crap?)

forgery

trying to conceive is about to get way more difficult...

I just POAS again, because I'm a glutton for punishment. Mr. December grabbed the test excitedly and ran to the kitchen, claiming he needed to see it in brighter light. I followed him good-naturedly. I looked down.

Two lines.

My heart skipped a beat. I felt elated. I saw -

A red marker in his hand. He forged a positive pee stick.

So yeah, ttc is going to be more difficult this time around, what with his [DELETED, because really, this was too violent and just disturbing for me to look at. I mean, really. If he typed something like that about me, we'd all be horrified. My apologies to Mr. December].

the test and my mood

both negative.

Oh, come ON.

More gushing nosebleed fun today. At least it happened in the shower.

Feeling nauseated now. Bah.

I don't mind any of this, as long as there's a good reason behind it. For our purposes today, "good reason" will be understood as "embryo which has implanted properly in the uterus and plans to hang around for about 9 months".

Mr. December thinks "we" should POAS every morning so that we can tell what the sensitivity of the test actually is. I think he feels like the lines are holding out on us. Finally, he's in my corner. I never thought I'd see him squinting, tilting the test from side to side in the sunlight... but there he was this morning. My hero.

still negative

I guess that control line likes the single life. Sigh...

numbers

days past ovulation: 11

gushing nosebleeds since this morning: 2

average resting heart rate: 102

negative pee sticks: 1

positive pee sticks: 0

people whose gut feeling sides against the pee sticks: 2

days until beta: 3

9 dpo

Kali leaning on my boobs is alarmingly painful. My resting pulse rate has been between 100 and 120 all day long. I feel vague uterine achiness. Mr. December patted my lower abdomen and said, "hello, baby!"

If this is all just progesterone, I will scream.

At least the aardvarks are entertaining

We're sick. All three of us. Kali's nose is running, she's sneezing, and she's teething to boot. I've got the worst sinus cold ever... and Mr. December is gearing up to join us with a sore throat. At least our S.andr.a Boyn.ton CD arrived in the mail today. The intermission Aardvarks are fabulous.

It's 8 dpo, and no symptoms to speak of. Well, actually, my boobs were kinda tingly yesterday, almost like how it felt when my milk was coming in... but come on. Can't possibly be. My pulse is up around the 80-90 range, but that's probably because I'm sick. Nothing doing here. And yet... I can't help feeling optimistic.

Somebody slap me before I start blowing sunshine out of my ass.

not guilty by reason of progesterone

I felt a very subtle shift this morning when I woke up. I was in, as they say, "no mood".

Then I was hungry. Then tired. Then, completely lacking self-control, I ate every carb in sight. And then I realized that I look FAT, as in obese, and I didn't yesterday, and it's physically impossible to gain 10 pounds in one morning.

It all adds up. It's 5 dpo and the progesterone has hit me full-force. I feel like shit. I feel no motivation except to retire to my boudoir and sleep.

7 more days until I start peeing on things. Stay tuned.

you will be inseminated - resistance is futile.

We had our IUI this morning. We had 16 million motile sperm post-wash, and at least three mature follicles, and the doctor said our chances look good. Really, though, do they ever tell you your chances look bad?

So my insecure, pathological concern right now is, I didn't feel ovulation at all. What if I didn't ovulate? And now, as I type this, I have the most painful ovaries ever. So what are the chances that it took longer than usual for the trigger to work and I'm only now ovulating? And if that's the case, and we inseminated 6 hours ago, what's the chance that the sperm are still waiting around in my ute?

*sigh*

14 more days to beta.

Badass.

I feel like such a badass.

Last night, and the night before, I snuck away from the seder table to shoot up in the bathroom. 50 of Puregon.

It stung. Badly. I would have yelled, but Kali was asleep in an adjoining room and I didn't want to wake her. That in itself was a sobering and steadying thought. Whatever it takes, however much it hurts, having a baby asleep in the next room is worth it.

Nevertheless, when Mr. December came to find me and ask how it went, I had to express myself. "That fucking stings like a motherfucker!!!" Yep, I'm an eloquent, articulate university graduate. Can you tell?

This morning's stats:

Lining: 7 mm
Follicles: 1.5, 1.2, 1.1, 1.3, and some tiny ones

Nice Jewish Doctor has advised us that our chance of multiples is much higher this cycle due to the Puregon. He figures we'll end up with three or four mature follicles. I seriously doubt we'd end up with anything more than twins, since last time we had 2 gorgeous follicles and only one baby. We'll see.

Next monitoring appointment is on Sunday morning. I don't celebrate easter, but I still think it's cool that we'll be doing an egg hunt that day.

perfect timing

I got home last night. I got my period this morning. How awesome is that?

Femara starts on Saturday, and I'm going in on Wednesday for monitoring and to pick up my drugs.

Because, you know, a passover seder isn't a seder without someone shooting up in the bathroom...