Nothing new under the sun.

Same shit, different day.

Just when I'm ready to start a medicated cycle, my body goes all FUBAR.

FYI

My period is still AWOL.

I can hear the dollar store pregnancy tests. They're calling me. All 8 of them. Maybe I'll take two tests and blog it in the morning.

*eye roll*

This is getting old. And my boobs are getting in on the act, which is soooooo not funny.

BFN X2

I held my pee for 4 hours... it looked nice and concentrated. Anyhow, both the digital and the regular test say I'm not pregnant. My period is still awol. I still have zero symptoms either way.

Today is 16 dpo.

Still nothing.

I called the clinic this morning and told them I want a beta. Naturally, they only do betas before 9:00 in the morning... so I was too late to get one today, and they won't do a beta on the weekend. I might buy an expensive pee stick today (although it might kill me to do it) - otherwise I'll just wait til Monday.

Insidious hope.

CD1 should have been yesterday. Or today, at the absolute latest. Yet there's no sign of it anywhere.

On the downside, every HPT I put my hands on (ok, every HPT I put my urine on) is negative. Even this morning, 15 dpo, before I had the chance to dilute my pee with the customary morning glass of passionfruit juice.

Mr. December doesn't get why this is pissing me off so much. I tried to explain that obviously I'm not pregnant, so the delayed onset of my period can only drive me crazy. I am! No, I'm not! Wait, I am! No, I'm not! It's enough to drive a normally sane girl around the bend.

So far, to hasten the arrival of a new cycle, I've done the following:

1. Slept naked on clean, brand-new, white sheets that should never under any circumstances come in contact with bleach.
2. Taken numerous HPT's.
3. Ensured that my cupboards are absolutely empty of pads and tampons.
4. Filled my femara prescription.

Have I missed anything? A job interview, to which I wear tight white pants with no underwear?

And now I find myself running through my mental list of women who didn't get their BFP until 17 dpo. Like I need more insidious hope. Gah.

I'll check in again tomorrow and let you know how the wait is going.

3 more days...

... until CD1. I think.

I'd love to think that I got pregnant on my own this cycle, but my body isn't even offering me any imaginary symptoms to cling to. Nada. So I've got my prescription for Femara and as soon as a new cycle announces itself I'll be filling it.

I've been thinking about my last post, and about going back to the clinic in general. The thing that was so nice and comforting was that nobody asked us to "prove" that we're infertile. No "well, you've been pregnant, let's see if you can do it naturally this time". No "your ovaries look fine, come back in six months." None of that. Just action plans, schedules, and "welcome back". As much as you never want to have to go back to the fertility clinic, it's a place where you don't have to prove anything. They want to get me pregnant as much as I do... and I guess, in itself, that's a good enough reason not to wait.

Why not "just relax"?

Okay, finish rolling your eyes at the title. I can wait.


But seriously, people. This time around, for me, it's a valid question. With my last few cycles being reliably 28 or 29 days long, with easily identifiable ovulation pains, with an ultrasound to confirm that I ovulated and that my ovaries look - in Dr. C's words - "very fertile"... why exactly am I signing up at the clinic again? Why not just relax?

For starters, I think it's lovely that my body is getting all predictable now, but I don't believe it will last. Years ago when I went off the pill I had about 4 predictable and regular cycles. Then my body went back to 75-day cycles, conflicting ovulation signals, and symptoms that suggested pregnancy except that I NEVER OVULATED. A big part of me believes that my body will fall into its old patterns again - so if I didn't get pregnant on one of those first cycles (and I didn't) I'd be shit out of luck. So I'm being proactive and outmaneuvering my body by getting started with the clinic before it can get all fucked up again.

Devil's advocate types are probably shaking their heads and asking, "Isn't it possible that being pregnant and then nursing may have fixed what was wrong before? Aren't you maybe in a wee bit of denial? Maybe you're a fert now!"

Yeah, maybe. And yeah, denial is a river in Egypt, but I can still pay for a cruise and hang out there for a good long time.

And then there's the issue of miscarriage. I know (in the logical part of my brain) that the miscarriage I had was probably just normal, one of those things. It happens. But the illogical part of my brain wants prevention in a major way - progesterone suppositories - and an early warning system - ultrasounds, beta HCG series - so that I don't get blindsided like that EVER AGAIN. It was bad, it was depressing, I lost a year of my life to that shit, I'm just not going there.

For those of you playing "psychotherapist: the home game" you might have noted that there's a common theme here. Yes, you're right. There's a one-word reason for going back that explains everything:

Fear.

I'm afraid of not getting pregnant. I'm afraid of getting pregnant and miscarrying and becoming a bitter shrew.

And that's why I'm back in the stirrups again. Just in case you were wondering.

Back in the stirrups again

Well, here we are. Kali is 13 months old. Today we headed back to the ol' clinic to get started on kid #2.

It felt like going home, really. Same nurses, same doctor. They've redecorated, which is nice, and there's a new doctor on board, but basically it's the same.

We took Kali with us. I know the issue of babies in the waiting room at clinics has been done to death, so I'll be very brief and say that I wouldn't take her during monitoring hours, we took her to show off to the doctors and nurses, and I made her a little "I'm a [insert name of clinic here] baby" t-shirt so that any new patients would understand that we're not just a couple of fertile jerks. In predictable toddler fashion, she wasn't thrilled to be there. I had hoped for better behaviour... but what can you do?

Now, the appointment: our labs are all back in, everything looks good, and we're ready to get started as soon as my period gets here. Femara and IUI worked before, so that's the plan... except they now start with 5 mg of femara instead of 2.5. That suits me just fine since I got pregnant with Kali when we upped my dose to 5 mg.

While we were there, I mentioned to the doctor that I'm curious to know what my ovaries have been up to lately. He agreed to do an ultrasound.

Ovaries? Check. Uterus? Check. All present and accounted for. And hmm... what?

The lining of my uterus claims that I've ovulated. Spontaneously. Cool! And... wow! My ovaries have no cysts!

So really, why are we back at the clinic if my body can do this on its own? I'm still struggling with that one. I think I'll leave it for tomorrow's post. In the meantime, if you're a returning reader, welcome back.

Is it Saint Swithin's Day already?

Oh my goodness, it's December. Kali is eleven months old. I'm a delinquent blogger... what else is new?

Last night we discovered one of the drawbacks to the Cry it Out method of sleep training. About half an hour after we put her down, Kali started to cry. This is not unusual. We ignored her for about 10 minutes, but it seemed to be escalating. I went to check on her.

She was sitting in a puddle of vomit, and in a very poopy diaper.

Needless to say, she had two baths last night.

__________

I'm weaning off the Zoloft, finally. I've been on antidepressants for two years. Is it really lame and bad of me to say that I preferred being on the full dose? Ever since I've reduced the dose I've been having more trouble waking up in the morning, and less motivation to do stuff around the house. It's quite a remarkable difference.

Instead of begging my doctor to let me increase my dose to its former level, I've decided to wait and see. Kali and I will be leaving for our Island in the Sun in a week, and I'm hoping that a month of sunshine will help my mood. Maybe weaning off my meds in the winter was a bad idea.

__________

My teaching job has become crazy. I think that's all I'm going to say, for fear of being found and identified...

Okay, let's just say that I'm not feeling charitable towards my students right now. I know I need to employ some important Jewish principles here, but what I really feel like doing is saying "screw you guys, I'm going home".

I meet with the Rabbi today to discuss the issues with my class. Wish me luck.

__________

I finally got my period again. A real period, for sure. Today is CD13 and I felt my left ovary twitch. I'd better crawl back into bed and whisper sweet nothings in Mr. December's ear.

Ugh... stressed!

I love my life, my family, my baby girl, my home, and most of my work.

But I'm so so so stressed. And irritable.

Little things: Mr. December didn't change Kali's diaper when she woke up from her nap, and he took her to his parents' house and they didn't change her diaper at all... so we're talking about almost seven hours with no diaper change. This is NOT OKAY, people.

And why can't he empty the dishwasher for a change? Really? Why? Or maybe wipe off the table when he's done feeding Kali?

Big things: My new tutoring student is being a pain in the ass. I feel like I was misinformed of the subject matter I was supposed to teach, the true nature of this kid's challenges... and put in a difficult position in other ways. I'm so pissed off I want to scream. And then quit, and spend every day on the floor with Kali, blowing bubbles and blowing kisses.

All this stress is making me tense, and now I have a crick in my neck and it kills.

The worst part is, this feels a bit over-the-top. (oh, did I leave out the part where I was on the subway on my way home from tutoring, and I saw an ad featuring adorable babies, and I almost cried because I had just wasted two hours of my daughter's life that I won't get back?)

So yeah, it feels over the top. Almost... hormonal. But I'm not on progesterone (evil evil hormone), I'm not pregnant (trust me, I've peed on more sticks than I care to admit), and I'd be shocked if my period was coming anytime soon. I'm still breastfeeding and we haven't made any major changes to the frequency of feedings, so really I have no idea where this is coming from.

And I really wanna pig out on chocolate, but I can't. We're on a diet. Because yet another person asked if I'm pregnant again.

I am NOT PREGNANT, people! I'm FAT and sub-fertile. Thanks for asking.

Bah, humbug.