Frenemy.

I know that progesterone is a good thing - at least for any developing embryos I may be harboring. But... man oh man, I hate progesterone so much. It's my best/worst frenemy.

I'm hungry. all. the. time. I can feel my pants getting tighter and my ass getting fatter. And thanks in advance for the generous suggestion that it might just be bloating, but... really... it's not. It's the food I keep eating. Thanks, progesterone.

I'm exhausted. I keep napping whenever Kali naps. Sometimes I put her down when she's not even tired in the hope that she'll at least lie there quietly so I can catch a 30-minute nap. Thanks, progesterone.

And I'm irritable with myself, because I know how blessed I am that I'm able to pursue treated cycles like this.

At least the sex is really, Really, REALLY good. Thanks, progesterone.

This time around

Nothing to see here, folks.

Oh, sure. I'm exhausted and basically pass out as soon as Kali goes down for her afternoon nap. And yeah, there's a big honkin' zit on my chin. And I wake up so hungry that I feel like I could puke. But don't let it fool you, that's the progesterone talking.

It's so different this time around. I'm not sure if it's because the anxiety is gone (I'm pretty sure I'll get pregnant, at some point), or because I'm older and wiser (ha!), or because I know exactly how much progesterone fucks with me. But it's different. I'm not even thinking about the 2ww most of the time. I'm certainly not obsessing about possible pregnancy symptoms... yet. Maybe in a few days. Maybe once we hit 7 dpo and implantation could have potentially happened. But 4 dpo? Nope. If the egg fertilized, it's still floating around lazily, like an arts student during the summer after university.

Aw, look at me. I'm getting all poetic.

Anyhow, I'm off to wake Kali up. She stayed up (in her crib, in a dark room, with the white noise machine going) until ONE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING talking to herself. I have no idea why... but it can't happen again. Mummy needs her sleep. So I'm going to cruelly wrench her out of her bed, take her to the drop-in centre, and make her run around with the other kiddoes. Hopefully that will encourage some serious napping... and sleep begets sleep, right?

I'm crampy.

Mr. December and I can now say, if this cycle is successful, that the day our second child was conceived we had a really lovely date prior to conception. We had a leisurely brunch, browsed at the bookstore, took a walk through our old 'hood... in short, it was very nice.

Post-wash, we ended up with about 20 million motile sperm. Morphology was around 20%, which I gather is not great. At last check my lining was 0.7 and growing, and the follicle was 2.1. The chance of this cycle resulting in a pregnancy is about 20%, possibly a bit more since we already know that I can get pregnant.

But numbers don't matter at all. I learned this when I became part of the "tiny percentage" of pregnant women who miscarry after seeing a healthy heartbeat. All the sperm counts, lining measurements, and percentages really don't matter. Ultimately either I get pregnant, or I don't - and for me it really won't matter how it would have gone for the majority of the population.

So here I sit, trying to remember whether I was this crampy after IUI last time, and wondering whether it's a good sign, a bad sign, or a sign of nothing in particular.

Let the obsession begin!

MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS ONLY MODERATELY MOTIVATING: UTERUS

TORONTO - In today's interview, the uterus belonging to Decemberbaby* indicated that motivational posters are not particularly hepful.

A poster reading "do your part - grow a decent lining" was installed yesterday in order to encourgage the uterus to increase the thickness of its lining from 0.4. Investigations this morning found that the lining is now measuring between 0.6 and 0.7. Doctors were satisfied with this measurement, but Decemberbaby is less enthused.

"Last time we did [Femara and IUI], the lining was at 1.0. I've always thought that thicker was better," she sighs. "I thought the poster would help, and it did, but perhaps not by enough."

Time seems to have run out for the uterus to live up to Decemberbaby's expectations. In an ultrasound earlier, the dominant follicle was found to measure 2.1, indicating that it is time to trigger ovulation.

Only time will tell whether yesterday's motivational poster will be replaced by a demotivating poster reading, "Failure: When your best just isn't good enough."

Intrauterine insemination is scheduled for this Sunday.
_______
*Not her real name

Deja vu all over again

Okay, here's the CD10 scan update:

Left ovary: 1.0, 0.9, and eight smaller ones
Right ovary: 1.7 and a bunch of smaller ones
Uterine lining: 0.4

I'm happy with my ovaries. They're doing a good job. But my lining? I think it's underperforming. Is it not motivated enough? Do I need to put up a poster?



Last time we did this (two years ago), my lining was pretty abysmal until CD13... when it jumped from 6.3 to 10 overnight. But my dominant follicle was smaller then, and I'm worried that the lining won't quite catch up to the follicle before it gets overripe.

I'm already on baby aspirin. I guess all I can do is wait and see...

More tomorrow.

Nothing to see here...

Life is boring in a very, very good way. I'm on my third dose of Femara... I have monitoring again on Monday morning. Kali is adorable as ever, although she's sick again and has crazy separation anxiety to boot. Mr. December and I went to a movie tonight.

Oh, I guess there is one remarkable thought I had recently. Tonight we went to Toys "are" Us to find Kali a baby doll, since she's so intrigued by other babies. Why is it that all of the baby dolls *do* something? They coo, or giggle, or talk, or pee. And they all seem to do it when they sense movement nearby. Seriously, it was the creepiest aisle in the whole toy store. What's up with that?

Needless to say, we did not buy Kali a doll. I think I'll have to go to one of the higher-end toy stores to find a doll that isn't technologically advanced.

CD1

As it turns out, my beta was completely negative. I have absolutely no idea what happened, and I don't really care. Today marks the beginning of our first medicated cycle for kid #2, and I have a very good feeling about all of this.

Early morning

I got my ass to the clinic this morning for a beta. Amazingly, it took 5 minutes, in and out. Well, the bloodletting did. I won't have results until later today.

Mr. December stayed downstairs in the lobby while I went up to the clinic. Afterwards we walked to the library, but it's closed on Mondays. Bummer. Kali and I shared a steamed milk and apple cinnamon crumble instead.

I don't get it. I just don't. My period is 4 or 5 days late, based on when I ovulated and my usual luteal phase length, and all the HPTs - digital, expensive, dollar store - say I'm not pregnant. So what the fuck is this?

Nothing new under the sun.

Same shit, different day.

Just when I'm ready to start a medicated cycle, my body goes all FUBAR.

FYI

My period is still AWOL.

I can hear the dollar store pregnancy tests. They're calling me. All 8 of them. Maybe I'll take two tests and blog it in the morning.

*eye roll*

This is getting old. And my boobs are getting in on the act, which is soooooo not funny.

BFN X2

I held my pee for 4 hours... it looked nice and concentrated. Anyhow, both the digital and the regular test say I'm not pregnant. My period is still awol. I still have zero symptoms either way.

Today is 16 dpo.

Still nothing.

I called the clinic this morning and told them I want a beta. Naturally, they only do betas before 9:00 in the morning... so I was too late to get one today, and they won't do a beta on the weekend. I might buy an expensive pee stick today (although it might kill me to do it) - otherwise I'll just wait til Monday.

Insidious hope.

CD1 should have been yesterday. Or today, at the absolute latest. Yet there's no sign of it anywhere.

On the downside, every HPT I put my hands on (ok, every HPT I put my urine on) is negative. Even this morning, 15 dpo, before I had the chance to dilute my pee with the customary morning glass of passionfruit juice.

Mr. December doesn't get why this is pissing me off so much. I tried to explain that obviously I'm not pregnant, so the delayed onset of my period can only drive me crazy. I am! No, I'm not! Wait, I am! No, I'm not! It's enough to drive a normally sane girl around the bend.

So far, to hasten the arrival of a new cycle, I've done the following:

1. Slept naked on clean, brand-new, white sheets that should never under any circumstances come in contact with bleach.
2. Taken numerous HPT's.
3. Ensured that my cupboards are absolutely empty of pads and tampons.
4. Filled my femara prescription.

Have I missed anything? A job interview, to which I wear tight white pants with no underwear?

And now I find myself running through my mental list of women who didn't get their BFP until 17 dpo. Like I need more insidious hope. Gah.

I'll check in again tomorrow and let you know how the wait is going.

3 more days...

... until CD1. I think.

I'd love to think that I got pregnant on my own this cycle, but my body isn't even offering me any imaginary symptoms to cling to. Nada. So I've got my prescription for Femara and as soon as a new cycle announces itself I'll be filling it.

I've been thinking about my last post, and about going back to the clinic in general. The thing that was so nice and comforting was that nobody asked us to "prove" that we're infertile. No "well, you've been pregnant, let's see if you can do it naturally this time". No "your ovaries look fine, come back in six months." None of that. Just action plans, schedules, and "welcome back". As much as you never want to have to go back to the fertility clinic, it's a place where you don't have to prove anything. They want to get me pregnant as much as I do... and I guess, in itself, that's a good enough reason not to wait.