Relief

I feel relieved. After 6 IUI's, our first IVF managed to get me pregnant.

You might think that the relief lies in knowing that I'm on my way to having the big family I've always wanted, in knowing that I'm growing another person. You might think that, but you'd be wrong.

I harbour no illusions that a positive pregnancy test means that in nine months there will be a take-home baby. None. I'm not really counting on this pregnancy to produce a baby. Maybe it will. I hope it will. But that's not the source of my relief, since the idea of this pregnancy brings a bit of anxiety with it.

No, I'm relieved because, for a little while at least, I can stop. I can stop the early-morning trips to the clinic. I can stop injecting myself with hormones. I can stop acting like I'm fine when all I want is to go back to bed and cry bitterly. I get to take a break.

My second beta, tomorrow, might give us a hint as to how long that break will be. Long or short, I do plan to enjoy it.