Saturday, October 24, 2009

Relief

I feel relieved. After 6 IUI's, our first IVF managed to get me pregnant.

You might think that the relief lies in knowing that I'm on my way to having the big family I've always wanted, in knowing that I'm growing another person. You might think that, but you'd be wrong.

I harbour no illusions that a positive pregnancy test means that in nine months there will be a take-home baby. None. I'm not really counting on this pregnancy to produce a baby. Maybe it will. I hope it will. But that's not the source of my relief, since the idea of this pregnancy brings a bit of anxiety with it.

No, I'm relieved because, for a little while at least, I can stop. I can stop the early-morning trips to the clinic. I can stop injecting myself with hormones. I can stop acting like I'm fine when all I want is to go back to bed and cry bitterly. I get to take a break.

My second beta, tomorrow, might give us a hint as to how long that break will be. Long or short, I do plan to enjoy it.

5 comments:

Stacy said...

I understand perfectly. Enjoy being pregnant in the moment. Because even in the terrible event of a misscarriage you will always have the time you had with your baby. Noone can change that. As an added bonus when you get a take home baby you will have lots of great stories for your child. Being pregnant is a beautiful thing and after my 2 miscarriages I relish in the time that I was pregnant, no matter how long it lasted

Stacy said...

Ps. Now I have 3 "house monkeys" lol. Most people refer to these untamed humans as children.

Heather said...

Soak it all up.
I regret I didn't. I let Scared take hold and ruin the happiness.

I'm so excited for you!!!

Rachel Inbar said...

Wow. I'm so far behind... I'm so happy to hear your news :-)

Aurelia said...

Ok, waiting here....you ok?