Tonight we went to a baby naming for X's twin daughters. It was a beautiful event, really wonderful, and X didn't hesitate to tell everyone that their journey to parenthood was far from easy. It was my first time at a baby-centric event since I got pregnant, and it was wonderful to not even feel a twinge of bitterness.
Interestingly, there were a lot of pregnant bellies there tonight. Also a lot of people cradling newborns (not just the newly named twins). It seemed to me, for the first time in a long time, that everyone was pregnant. And for the first time ever, that "everyone" included me.
As I smiled and chatted with the other pregnant chicks, and as people I hadn't seen all summer came over to congratulate me, I remembered how awful it felt to not be part of this exclusive club. I remembered the bris I went to just weeks after my miscarriage, the bris I attended that was just a few weeks shy of my first due date. And I wondered, was there anything I could do to make the unknown infertiles in the crowd a little less sad? I hate the thought that my belly inspires the kind of bitterness in others that I remember feeling myself.
Short of wearing a very verbal t-shirt, or introducing myself by saying "hi, I'm decemberbaby and I'm infertile", I can't think of anything I can really do to alleviate their suffering. It just sucks to be the infertile one in the crowd and wonder if you'll ever have a belly like that, if you'll ever have a naming for your own baby. It fucking sucks, and I'll never forget it.
But the suckiness was tempered, once again, by the fact that Lumpy was bouncy and kicky all evening. I think he knew we were doing something worth being awake for.
Mazel tov again to X. And to all those still on the precarious journey towards conception, I'm still praying for all of you.
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5 comments:
I'm so glad that you had a good time, and had a good yet lumpy bumpy day, hahaha.
I'm so glad you've "made it to the other side." I hope I can join you there one day. Glad Lumpy is nice and active!!
I just wrote about this too (sort of.) As thrilled as I am to be on this side, there's a part of me that really hopes not to forget what it was like being on the other.
I'm so glad for you that you got to feel included in the "everyone."
Where are the pictures of your house? What a tease. I don't care if its not done yet...I like to see the work in progress. :) ~Azure/Shawna
i''m glad you were able to relax and enjoy...sad thing is, there's really nothing you can do to ease the pain for the 'barren' at those events...enjoy yourself and keep being the kind, respectful, thoughtful, warm person that you are...they may even find you...
peace
shlomit
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