overdue update

Sorry, folks. I just realized that both of my readers are probably waiting to hear about our consultation with Dr. Eyebrows.

We met with him on Tuesday. Basically he feels that if I haven't gotten pregnant after 5 IUI's, there may be other issues - tubal scarring that renders the cilia useless seems to be at the top of his list. Anyhow, he suggested moving forward with IVF.

We had the whole conversation about how many embryos he would recommend transferring. He usually does two for my age group and diagnosis. I'm okay with that. Mr. December, engineer that he is, thinks twins would be super-efficient. I think it's a risk I'm willing to take, but a singleton is my ideal outcome.

Dr. Eyebrows also asked us how many kids we want, ultimately. When we answered "four", he immediately started talking about freezing some embryos now for future use. He went into details of new techniques they're using that get them very similar success rates with a FET as with a fresh cycle. Sounds good to me. And frankly, I'm impressed that he asked. Somehow I always feel like people will assume that two kids are enough, especially in light of fertility issues. I wonder whether he would have flinched if I had told him I wanted ten kids? I guess I'll never know.

He described the protocol - wait until day 21, then start suprefact, wait for my period -

I interrupted right there. I don't get my period on any regular or predictable basis. We could be waiting a long, long time.

For some reason Dr. Eyebrows perked up when I said this. He suggested we do a quick ultrasound to see how things were looking. He determined that it looked like I wouldn't ovulate this cycle (surprised? not me) and my lining was extremely thin (at day 6)... so he informed us we could start right away! And we don't have to wait for a period!

So here I sit, with track marks on my belly, waiting for September 5 - my "assigned day 3". Mr. December feels certain this will work. I tried that attitude last time, and the crash was bad. I think I'll stick with "cautiously optimistic".




ps to Aurelia - I asked Dr. Eyebrows about the tests you mentioned. He felt that the statistical probability was just so low that blah, blah, blah... I didn't argue this time. Well actually, I did. But he kept giving me the "you probably read too much and you definitely worry too much" look, and so I dropped it. Maybe next time.

arrested reproduction

I must apologize to all of my vegetables. Dearies, I will not allow your fruits to stay on the vine and rot, all for the purpose of granting you children. In fact, I plan to eat you AND your potential babies. MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

(harvested two pounds of beets and some carrots today)

What would you do?

Forgot to mention: we're scheduled for a consultation with Dr. Eyebrows on August 25. If we wait for that, we'll essentially lose a month - or we could do a last-ditch IUI, have our consultation during that cycle, and then do the IVF starting in September.

Alternately, we can just go with the protocol that Nice Jewish Doctor has recommended, and skip the consultation altogether.

What would you do?

How does this happen?

Is it just crap luck, or is there something wrong with me? This was our fifth cycle. We had follicles, we had sperm. The timing was clinically perfect. What gives? FIVE TIMES? WITH DRUGS? You have got to be f---ing kidding me.

My nurse just called. She had already asked Nice Jewish Doctor for new orders. He recommends IVF, starting with suprefact on day 21 of this next cycle and adding Puregon after I get my period. I reminded my nurse that I don't usually get my period unprompted, at least not for a couple of months. Whatever, we'll work it out.

I'm just not ready for this. The puregon pen I can handle. But the suprefact shots, followed by the puregon... not to mention my irrational fear of the retrieval itself, and the crazy voice in my head that's screaming WHAT IF I DO ALL THAT PAINFUL STUFF AND IT STILL DOESN'T WORK? THEN WHAT? HUH? HUH?

Right now Kali is napping. Out of sight, out of mind. That fearful crazy voice is taking over. I didn't think it would come to this. In fact, I had hoped to already be pregnant enough that everybody would know. It worked last time with Kali. Why isn't it working this time? Why us?

This feels like a petty problem. We have Kali. She's beautiful and sweet and smart and cute and she's ours. I'm a mommy, something I once feared I'd never get to be. But I'm greedy. I want more. Actually, I want four. (but not at the same time) And I don't want Kali to be 6 years old before I can produce a sibling for her. I don't want these huge age gaps. Two years, perfect. Three years, also fine. Three and a half years... well, if that's the best we can do... but four years or more just seems like such a huge gap to me. And if our gap between numbers one and two is so big, will we ever get to four?

I called my mom after I heard from the nurse. Mom's coming over with a slice of pizza and some hugs for me. I just don't feel like doing anything anymore.

Adding insult to injury...

The blood test was very painful today. That's unusual for me - I have fabulous veins and B. is the best phlebotomist I've ever worked with... but today it hurt. Badly. I cried.

I feel like my nerves are totally frayed. I'm basically okay for the moment, but I feel like anything could set me off. I came home and cried for a while while Kali tried to feed me goldfish crackers and Mr. December stroked my head and said, "next month, honey". Yeah, next month. Where have I heard that before?

Hm. BFN. Hm...

I didn't realize exactly how certain I've been that I'm pregnant. Apparently I'm very certain, because this morning I POAS and saw only one line, yet my only thought was "hm... I guess it's not ready to show up yet". So I guess I'm in BFN denial. I'm sure it's a protective measure, since I let my guard down for about two seconds just now and was overcome by a wave of sadness and disbelief.

Really, how could this cycle not work? I mean, I know it's possible. But we had good sperm, a fabulous lining, one big juicy follicle on each side... and I've been feeling so good about the cycle. And gagging, and almost puking, and yesterday my boobs were sore. How could it not work?

Waning positivity

It's not easy to be positive at 8 dpo.

On IUI day, you can crow about your fabulously fecund follicles, or the fact that dh's sperm are looking "well powerful" this cycle. At 1, 2, 3, 4, even 5 and 6 dpo, you can talk about how it's way too early for symptoms but you just have a feeling it's all gonna work out this time. But once you hit 8, almost 9 dpo, it's hard to ignore the nagging feeling that nothing is happening. Nothing.

So that's where I am, folks. I just don't know. If I were less cowardly I'd POAS already, but I'm too scared to spend the next 6 days cursing the fact that I just KNOW it didn't work and yet I have to keep taking the progesterone.

Anybody have some chocolate?

gag.

Tonight, on the eve of 7 dpo, I suddenly jumped up from the table and ran towards the bathroom, gagging all the way. When I finally gave myself permission to puke, I dry heaved a couple of times. Nothing more.

I'd love for this to be an EPS, but I can't help thinking that back in January I puked at 3 dpo for absolutely no reason. I wasn't pregnant. I have no idea what was up. Every cycle my body seems to up the ante (as EPS go), so I guess this is the logical next step.

But still, after dry heaving, what am I supposed to think? Sure, I'd like to tell you that this post is just a blase FYI and that you need not comment, but the truth is that I'm in the mood for a resounding chorus of "sounds like a BFP in the works!" It might not be true, but I wouldn't mind pretending tonight.

Pregnant... until proven otherwise

Thanks for all your good wishes... I left the clinic after the IUI feeling very positive. I was quite crampy, which is not normal for me, and then I had some faint spotting, which probably means that my cervix was just feeling a bit sensitive but I'll take it as a good sign anyway. I POAS when I got home to see how quickly the test line would come up (from the HCG trigger). Basically, I'm feeling all the hope that I haven't felt in many, many months. It helps that the stats were so good, too.

But right now I'm just tired. Exhausted. Practically unable to keep my eyes open any longer... and it's only 7 p.m. Progesterone is doing its thing again. I'd better get used to it, though... I plan to be feeling progesterone-crappy for a long time - because I'm pregnant.

(until proven otherwise)

IUI tomorrow

The stats look good to me:

lining - 10mm
left ovary - 21mm follicle
right ovary 18 mm follicle

I triggered last night and we're going in tomorrow to get inseminated. Wish us luck!