Monday, August 17, 2009

How does this happen?

Is it just crap luck, or is there something wrong with me? This was our fifth cycle. We had follicles, we had sperm. The timing was clinically perfect. What gives? FIVE TIMES? WITH DRUGS? You have got to be f---ing kidding me.

My nurse just called. She had already asked Nice Jewish Doctor for new orders. He recommends IVF, starting with suprefact on day 21 of this next cycle and adding Puregon after I get my period. I reminded my nurse that I don't usually get my period unprompted, at least not for a couple of months. Whatever, we'll work it out.

I'm just not ready for this. The puregon pen I can handle. But the suprefact shots, followed by the puregon... not to mention my irrational fear of the retrieval itself, and the crazy voice in my head that's screaming WHAT IF I DO ALL THAT PAINFUL STUFF AND IT STILL DOESN'T WORK? THEN WHAT? HUH? HUH?

Right now Kali is napping. Out of sight, out of mind. That fearful crazy voice is taking over. I didn't think it would come to this. In fact, I had hoped to already be pregnant enough that everybody would know. It worked last time with Kali. Why isn't it working this time? Why us?

This feels like a petty problem. We have Kali. She's beautiful and sweet and smart and cute and she's ours. I'm a mommy, something I once feared I'd never get to be. But I'm greedy. I want more. Actually, I want four. (but not at the same time) And I don't want Kali to be 6 years old before I can produce a sibling for her. I don't want these huge age gaps. Two years, perfect. Three years, also fine. Three and a half years... well, if that's the best we can do... but four years or more just seems like such a huge gap to me. And if our gap between numbers one and two is so big, will we ever get to four?

I called my mom after I heard from the nurse. Mom's coming over with a slice of pizza and some hugs for me. I just don't feel like doing anything anymore.


zunzun said...

I wanted four and although I've never got to the one whenever I would mourn I'd mourn the four...not the one. You are not greedy. We all have an idea of how many children we'd like or want (and "should" be able to have for pete's sake...aren't our bodies designed to pop them out..survival of the species and all that!LOL)to make our familes complete so pining for the ones that haven't made it to us doesn't make us selfigh. Hang in there...can't say that it will get better as I don't know if it will but you hang in there (hard!).

Karen said...

I'm so sorry. Your fears are not irrational - they are YOUR fears. You need to work them out. I am here if you need to talk about them, having been there/done that on all ends of the spectrum.

You are not being greedy. You have a right to want to build your family. If you feel like there is a little person (or little people) missing from your family - then you should be able to continue building your family as you see fit - with no guilt. I *know* that guilt well, you know I do. But it isn't productive.

Wanting more children doesn't mean that you don't love and appreciate Kali - it means that you DO. Remember that.

In answer to your next post - if you're saying here "I'm just not ready for this", then I'd go ahead and wait an extra month and go have your consult with your doctor - because you deserve to have your sit-down with him to talk through your fears and concerns. One month will not make or break you, and it might help you work through some of your worries.

Caro said...

So sorry.

butterflyanla said...

I don't think you are greedy I think you are wonderful and I hope that things work out for you and your family

Dagny said...

then you become me.

But with a kid.

That is all.