Sunday, April 08, 2007

Huh?

Who the heck wrote yesterday's post? Was that me? The serene, shining, joyful woman who's finding joy even in the throes of infertility?

I feel like a deserter.

I used to pride myself on being bitter and realistic. I guess in many ways I still am. But yesterday's post shows me as one of the people I would have HATED four months ago. Someone who hasn't yet been blessed with children, who still feels like her life is on the right course and is at peace with whatever God brings her.

Here's my promise to you, loyal readers:
As much as I may truly feel this way myself, I will NOT try to tell you that you should feel this way. As far as I'm concerned, infertility is one of the shittiest things you could have to deal with... and it's okay to be bitter and sad and hate every minute of it. And it's okay to feel that it really serves no purpose in your life, that there's no higher lesson, that it just sucks. I think all of those things are true, too. It's our human nature that wants us to see patterns where there is just randomness... to see reasons where there are none. I believe in God, but it's very possible that there are no reasons that any of us are going through this. We each invent our own meaning.

So for this week, my meaning will be to feel the joy. Maybe next week I'll be back to kicking the crap out of everyone who tells me to relax.

Infertility is a rollercoaster, remember? Anything could happen next.

8 comments:

My Reality said...

You know, you overall tone has change since you started blogging. Your change in outlook is good.

Just don't start blowing sunshine out of your ass. I would have to stop reading then!

Michele said...

I think you are wiser than you know. I hope that you are able to maintain this and that you don't have to feel down again.

actually, I'll be sayin' a little prayer for those follies, so we can have a very happy Sara soon.

LorMar said...

Thank you for this post. I see no "higher purpose" or "God's plan" in infertility. It simply sucks. However, there is nothing wrong with finding joy in spite of it as you say.

ms. c said...

Total rollercoaster. But I'm glad to see that you are deeming this week an "up" week.
I loved your previous post about the RE's office. Made me laugh and made me think...

Aurelia said...

I liked your previous post. In fact, I loved knowing that you felt joy somewhere. If it's all bitter, all the time, then how do we know what the sweet parts taste like when we finally get it?

sariel & shlomit said...

hey girl...
up or down, i love you! glad you're feeling some joy...those days feel few and far between so work it, girl! thanks for the phone call...we are hanging in there...
by the way, you'd be happy to hear that sariel brought the backpacker guitar and we serenaded the other happy (not!) couples at the clinic on sunday...maybe you were rubbing off...(but don't get too excited...i'm still bitter!)....
thanks for being so wise and yet so real....
peace
shlomit

Kristen said...

I always sneak a peek at your blog but have never commented.

I'm glad you are having a positive week. Hell, everybody needs that once in a while. I hope the joy lasts and I'm sending lots of follie dust to you!

Knock Me Up said...

I love that you wrote this follow up to your "Joy" post. Although, I must say, I loved your "Joy" post. There is so little to celebrate anymore, what with all we go through, that I think we have to take the good when we can get it. Celebrate it and let it be what it is. It is the same as when we are going through crap and more crap, we have to let it be, let it happen and roll the best we can so we can end up on our feet at the end of it. Celebrate when you can, there's always time for tears when necessary but it seems like joy is somewhat more elusive and harder to hold onto.
Thanks for writing both of these posts.