Huh?

Who the heck wrote yesterday's post? Was that me? The serene, shining, joyful woman who's finding joy even in the throes of infertility?

I feel like a deserter.

I used to pride myself on being bitter and realistic. I guess in many ways I still am. But yesterday's post shows me as one of the people I would have HATED four months ago. Someone who hasn't yet been blessed with children, who still feels like her life is on the right course and is at peace with whatever God brings her.

Here's my promise to you, loyal readers:
As much as I may truly feel this way myself, I will NOT try to tell you that you should feel this way. As far as I'm concerned, infertility is one of the shittiest things you could have to deal with... and it's okay to be bitter and sad and hate every minute of it. And it's okay to feel that it really serves no purpose in your life, that there's no higher lesson, that it just sucks. I think all of those things are true, too. It's our human nature that wants us to see patterns where there is just randomness... to see reasons where there are none. I believe in God, but it's very possible that there are no reasons that any of us are going through this. We each invent our own meaning.

So for this week, my meaning will be to feel the joy. Maybe next week I'll be back to kicking the crap out of everyone who tells me to relax.

Infertility is a rollercoaster, remember? Anything could happen next.