same old mum... and no egg.

My mum called today. She's vacationing in the carribean and wanted to check on me. She also HAD to tell me about X's daughter, who has PCOS, had two miscarriages, and now has three beautiful daughters. All this as evidence that... (are you ready?)

OF COURSE I'LL GET PREGNANT.

She finished off this anecdote by saying "so it happens a lot more often than you think!"
"That's funny," I said, "because with it being so common, I really think people should in general be more sensitive about it when I tell them, don't you?"
To which my mother replied "well, maybe people aren't more sensitive because most of them just get over it."

!!!!!

Then again, my mom is also from the school of thought that says "well, if you miscarried that means the baby was deformed anyway, and you don't want an unhealthy baby."

I'm going to stop writing about this now, because it just makes me feel angry.

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I'm slowly getting un-sick. Slowly. And I'm not contagious anymore (thanks, penicillin!) so I can finally see people. I'm going crazy being in the house with Mr. December 24/7. I love him dearly and treasure our time together... but there's only so much treasure a girl NEEDS, know what I mean?

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I haven't ovulated yet. I don't even know what day of my cycle it is - 16? 17? I'm just praying the cycle ends just after my RE appointment on Jan 3 so we can get moving with some treatment or something. I am so fucking tired of waiting.

It's not up to us

So I just finished commenting on Shlomit's blog about how it's not about how "perfect" a cycle is or isn't. As Shlomit herself says, you can have a perfect cycle, and it still needs God to come down and grant that elusive BFP. It's just not up to us.

In that spirit, Mr. December and I have decided that we're not going to "not try" this month. We're taking it easy, we're only having sex when we want to, but we're not preventing anything from happening. It's not up to us.

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I'm gonna be all alone on Christmas eve. Mr. D's family is getting together tonight for Chinese food (which I don't eat), but I'm coughing all over the place and am probably really contagious - so I'm not going. What's fun to do that doesn't require leaving my couch?

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In other news, only 1 week to go before we start "austerity measures", aka "saving for a house". I'm trying to decide what foolish things I should buy now, before I'm forced to account for my spending. Some new pottery tools, perhaps?

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good cycle.

down for the count.

My acupuncturist said that we shouldn't even try this month. She's concerned about the effect of the inhalers and antibiotics on Mr. D.'s sperm. She feels that if the sperm aren't top quality, we may be in for another miscarriage. She also pointed out that she doesn't think I could handle another loss very well right now.

How astute of her.

So... does anybody have any thoughts on this? Please comment and let me know if you know anything useful. I don't want to get pregnant just to lose it... but is that really a concern?

Maybe this is another lesson in patience, courtesy of God. I guess I should just suck it up and wait til next cycle, when we'll have the guidance of an RE and hopefully the femara advantage.

Sigh.

check, please.

Yup, I think we may be done for this cycle. Mr. December has pneumonia and now I'm sick too. Is it a bad idea to get pregnant when you're sick? I wouldn't ovulate before Saturday or Sunday at the earliest anyway, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up if it seems like this cycle should be a wash.

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I'm also bummed because of some of the bad news on blogs I read. Shlomit got whammied with the bfn, and then had to face "baby day" on the subway; Smarshy and M's beta went down and they're waiting for the pregnancy to end. Crap.

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I'm at the point where I feel sick, but not too sick. I haven't yet decided whether or not I'm going to pottery class... I really want to - but I know that may not be the best idea. (insert whining voice here) but I waaaanntt to!!!! I have two pieces that need to go in the kiln and another two pieces I'd like to finish forming before the term ends... which is the end of this week. Bummer. I think I may go into ceramic withdrawal. Anybody have an extra bag of clay?

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I cleaned house yesterday. This is a major accomplishment, attesting to the fact that a) the Prozac is kicking in and b) the Prozac is kicking in. The difference it makes cannot be overstated. (and I was talking about the difference the prozac makes, but having a nice clean house makes a pretty big impact, too!)

And I've been cooking... one of those things I used to enjoy but then didn't anymore after the miscarriage. So far I haven't made anything remarkable, but just getting back in the kitchen feels like a step in the right direction.


Going now. Must nap.

Thank God for health insurance!

Mr. December just came home. From the walk-in clinic. With 5 prescription medications. Count 'em, five! A puffer, one inhaler, a nose spray, pills, and syrup. I think the total cost of all of them is $250. He's so sick.

And I'm supposed to be ovulating on Friday.... if I actually ovulate.

Skill-testing question: if I get sick, will ovulation be delayed? If Mr. D. is still sick, is it unethical to ask him to make several "deposits"?

Damn. I could really have gone for a September baby.

Should I even bother drinking the fertilitea anymore?

Slow progress, and an unexpected visitor

Sorry I haven't updated in a while... I've been waiting to hear from my doc today.

Saw the GP. My thyroid numbers from the second set of tests were well within normal limits. Apparently the first set of tests, my TSH and prolactin were just a little higher than the upper limit of normal. My GP didn't have any good explanation for the discrepancy, but he said everything looks fine now and he's putting the ball back in my RE's court.

The RE can see me to discuss the rest of my results and to create a game plan... on January 3. With all these 3-week delays, it'll be another six month before we know it. Craptastic.

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In other news...

I got my period yesterday... only 19 days after the last one started. Others might be alarmed by a cycle that short. All I have to say is, hey - 19 days is better than 60 days, and it gives me 3 times the number of chances to try! Of course, I'd have to be ovulating to make that mean something.

My acupuncturist is optimistic. She's very excited about said period, because she thinks the flow and colour mean that we have a really good lining for future implantation. She promised to work very hard to bring out an egg this month.

I'm thinking of giving the egg a little push of my own. Last time I got pregnant I was drinking Fertilitea... 3 or 4 cups a day. I'm thinking about maybe drinking 1 cup a day, to encourage my ovaries to do the right thing. Just this cycle. Just until my RE has something constructive to offer.

So that's it. We're on our own this cycle. It's doubtful but not impossible that we may succeed. Wish me luck.

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And for those who are interested...

Take a look at the fruits of my depression. I started taking ceramics after I quit my job... here are two pieces designed and executed by yours truly.

Shopping list: thyroid, bread, ovaries...

2 phone calls today:

1. FROM THE FERTILITY CLINIC:
They need my family doctor to treat the thyroid issue before they begin any sort of treatment for me. The nurse will check with the RE to see if we need an appointment to review our other results.

2. FROM MY GP
The second set of thyroid tests came back completely normal.

Too bad we didn't get these calls in reverse order, huh?

GP will fax the new thyroid tests to RE. I will see GP on Tuesday anyhow, to follow up on depression stuff. RE's nurse will call us on Monday to set up an appointment.

Glacial pace is accelerating slightly. I guess it's good news, right in time for the weekend.

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In other news, I'm feeling a bit more normal - I made challah today. Haven't done that since depression set in. The problem now is that I have way too much dough... I won't eat this much bread... so does anyone in Toronto want to set up a challah dough share? Shlomit? Wanna pick up an unbaked challah on your way home from work?

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My ovary hurts, but EWCM is nowhere to be seen (and I don't usually have a problem in that department). It's also CD17 or something... not sure what gives. I just want this cycle to end swiftly and mercifully so that we can start doing whatever the RE wants us to do.

Baby it's cold outside...

But it's certainly nice and warm in here with all the comments from other IF bloggers... I've been reading most of your blogs for months, wondering how I can get in on the loop... and now I'm here. Shout-out to Shlomit for getting that ball rolling. And thank you all for caring. I promise I'll try to update more often now that I'm getting read!

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There is so much to catch up on... I'll try to condense it.

About three weeks ago, my nurse from the fertility clinic called. Here's the unofficial transcript:

nurse: We need the name and phone number of your GP. We want him to deal with some of these test results.
me: oh, I guess that means you have my results back. Can you tell me about them?
nurse: (hesitates) well... some of them were a bit abnormal.
me: okay, can you tell me what the problem was?
nurse: a few of your levels are elevated.
me: do you want to tell me which ones?
nurse: it's your thyroid. So your family doctor needs to treat this.

So at that point I didn't have the presence of mind to ask the questions I should have, including:
1. Will the RE still meet with me to discuss the other results?
2. Are you offloading me onto my GP until the thyroid is under control, to the point where there's nothing you'll do for me until then?

Still haven't asked those questions. Mr. December will have to call them tomorrow and get some info. He's better at remaining unemotional and therefore remembering the answers.

Two days later, my GP's nurse called. They wanted me to do some fasting bloodwork. Um, I just did it TEN DAYS AGO. No matter, they want me to do it again. I rearranged my schedule so that I could do it that morning (hooray for not eating breakfast!). Then I called my doctor's office to make a follow-up appointment.

He couldn't see me until DECEMBER 12. There is no cancellation list because he's so booked up already that nobody cancels.

That's three weeks from the second set of tests to when I actually get to discuss them. Three weeks where I could have been treated for whatever problem I may have. That's almost an entire cycle.

It's another delay. Just another delay.

My shrink consoles me by reminding me that I am moving forward. But is moving at a glacial pace really that much better than standing still? I wonder.

Everybody but me...

The online communities I'm part of have seen an incredible baby boom in the last few weeks. All of the girls who comforted me after my miscarriage are now pregnant (after miscarriages of their own). Most of the girls who started trying after I got pregnant are now pregnant.

We went to my cousin's wedding in Crown Heights. Interesting experience, but largely painful for me because there were pregnant women everywhere. And most of them were younger than I am (which says a lot, because I'm only 26).

I feel like the last infertile standing.

Did I mention that I probably haven't ovulated yet? And that my hubby doesn't want to do the bloodwork today (for no particular reason), which will just delay the results and the subsequent medical treatment?

Sometimes I wonder whether god actually wants me to have kids. I really really wonder.

And how do you feel about that?

I met my therapist today. What can I say? Our first session, she reminds me that what's happened to me is really really shitty and I have the right to be very upset. She recommended that I plan my meltdowns - no longer than an hour a day - so that I can function the rest of the time and still get the grief out. Fun.

Then I came home and slept the sleep of the dead for four hours. I remember hubby coming home and joining me in bed for a while. And then I fell asleep and woke up with that disoriented "is it AM or PM?" feeling.

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My apartment now most closely resembles a third world country. The fruit flies are attracted to the dirty dishes that are everywhere... so everywhere I go, I find flies around me. I almost expect Suzanne Somers to walk in and start talking to the camera:

"Hi, I'm Suzanne Somers. Did you know that in our own country, hundreds of infertile women are too depressed to do the dishes? For only 100 dollars a week, you can get this woman the help she needs to keep her home clean. Please call today."

Welcome to the dream factory...

I'm 26. I don't ovulate unless coerced by strange herbs. I suspect PCOS, although apparently no doctor wants to see me. I got pregnant by a stroke of luck, and miscarried AFTER the risk had gone down to 5%.

I am, by all accounts, an exceedingly fortunate person. I have a functional family (well, just dysfunctional enough to be funny). I have a wonderful husband who knows how to make me laugh and who puts up with my hormonal mood swings. I have a number of friends, some of whom are genuinely helpful in tough times. I'm intelligent and reasonably attractive.

And...

I'm fat, and for some reason can't maintain a healthy weight. I'm a bit neurotic. I have a tendency to obsess and ruminate over the bad things that happen to me. My self-esteem has taken several beatings over the years and until now I've always bounced back. I'm unable to keep my apartment clean for longer than a few days.

And I'm depressed... and hopeless... and when I express my fear that I'll never have children, never conceive, the well-meaning people I know say...

"Of COURSE you'll get pregnant!"

um, yeah. where did you get YOUR medical degree?

I've ovulated exactly three times since 2006 began. Twice I induced it by drinking Fertilitea. Otherwise I'm doomed to 70+ day cycles that leave me wondering why God even gave me ovaries. But yeah, OBVIOUSLY I'm going to get pregnant. It's just a matter of time before... um... my ovaries wake up? God decides to stop jerking me around? The wait to see a gynecologist is LESS than 4 months from referral until appointment time?

Of course I'll get pregnant. Or not.

Welcome to the dream factory.