Sunday, February 11, 2007

Femara. Fuck.

I really think the Femara is making me depressed. I was doing fine until this afternoon, when suddenly I was gripped by this feeling of hopelessness and despair. Like I'm never going to get pregnant. Or like I will eventually have a child, but it won't be for another five years. And in the meantime I'll be slowly going crazy.

The problem is, right now there's very little else in my life. I'm working on renovaton plans for the new house, and I'm still doing ceramics. Oh, and teaching a class one night a week. But I feel like those things are filler... nothing with purpose, really. And when I think about doing anything with purpose, I realize that I'd probably be really bad at the follow-through. As in, I'd love to lead another birthright israel trip, but I don't think I can do the follow-up with the participants later.

So if it takes us another two, three, four, five years to conceive... what exactly am I doing with my life? Right now there's nothing. And there's nothing I want to do. Hence the despair.

So I have two choices: I need to either get pregnant, or else find something purposeful and inspiring to do with my life. And right now I don't know which one is going to be harder.

Fuck.

6 comments:

Adam said...

Of course you do. :)

I think it's awesome that you're thinking about this. You'll figure out something worthwhile to do while you keep working on the baby thing.

Aurelia said...

I'm sure you already have something worthwhile, and in the meantime, yes, Femara does make you a bit depressed due to the suppression on estrogen. But it's temporary. Try and find something to cheer you up for the next few days, and it will pass.

Heather said...

It really does suck to feel like you are waiting around - but you don't know for how long. Just putting your entire life on hold for something that isn't definite. I hate the feeling of limbo.

My Reality said...

I know what you mean. I hate my job, but won't quit it until we have a kid somehow or another because I want my mat/parental leave. I know what I want to do, but can't until we get the whole baby thing straightened out. It is a neverending cycle of shit.

Do you have plans this weekend? Maybe lunch or coffee should be in order.

sariel & shlomit said...

agghhghghghg. i hate that feeling. everything in limbo while you wait for the only thing you want to happen. and then getting mad at yourself for just waiting and not living.

hope the fog clears soon and you can focus on other things while waiting...always waiting....sigh....
peace
shlomit

smh222 said...

wow--you just described how i'm feeling to a tee. trying to find purpose while ttc is a big challenge...if you find out how, let me know!