You all know how much I have the typical religious lines about how "it's all part of God's plan" or "what is meant to happen will happen." But I can't help wondering, if this really was part of God's plan, what would that plan be? What would be the purpose of us being here in this hellhole of alternating hope and despair? What if I could see the plan?
Eventually I came up with a hypothesis. Bear with me.
I have a friend. Let's call her X. She's finally pregnant after a year and a half of fertility treatments. Why couldn't she have gotten pregnant sooner?
Well, two cycles before her BFP, I outed myself to her as an infertile. I was bitter and lonely, and suddenly here was someone who completely understood. Someone who was coping. Someone who had hope for the future. Someone in real life who would talk to me about my treatments and be able to make intelligent suggestions.
Had she gotten pregnant before I had a chance to out myself, X's pregnancy would have probably made me avoid her more (yes, I'm an ugly person that way). I wouldn't have known about her difficulties. We wouldn't have grown closer over shared confidences. I wouldn't have the joy of seeing her gradually loosened from the grip of IF. When she gives birth, I will feel the joy as if it's my own child. I want this for her. That wouldn't have happened if her path to motherhood had been easier and quicker.
I often argue that I'm a compassionate person, and I didn't need this to help me develop compassion. The truth is, I've gained a lot of compassion for my single friends through this experience. Going to a baby shower where everyone has babies is as painful and terrifying to me as going to a bridal shower where everyone else is married is for some single women. We have the same fear that it may never happen to us. The same feelings of being somehow less deserving, less feminine, less desirable, and ultimately not being chosen. I understood it before intellectually, but I don't think I would have understood it with my heart and soul before IF. It makes me look that little bit harder at single guys, hoping somehow that I can fix this problem for my friends. The truth is, you can control love just about as easily as you can control conception and pregnancy.
Now that I've been helped through this by X, I wonder if I'm supposed to pass on the favor. Maybe I'm destined to be infertile until the woman I'm supposed to comfort comes along, in tears and despair, for me to encourage and cheer her. If that's the case, I hope she comes soon.
I recently heard a Jewish saying that every (spiritual) descent is for the sake of a greater ascent. If that's true, I have lots to look forward to. My descent was deep and horrific. I look forward to rising to terrifying heights soon.
In the meantime, if you're the one I'm destined to help, would you please stand up?
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Get pregnant. See heartbeat. Tell everyone. Miscarry. Get angry. Bitter. Bitter. Still bitter. Fertility testing. PCOS. Treatment. Pregnant. Hold breath... hold breath... hold breath... and exhale. Finally a mommy, minus my innocence. I am so lucky. It's not always fun, but it is entertaining... to my readers. Any resemblance to good advice, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Welcome to the dream factory.
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10 comments:
I don't konw about destiny, but your thoughts on faith and IF are definitely both thought-provoking and encouraging. I'll be mulling this one for awhile...
I consider myself a refugee from fundamentalist evangelicalism; if you are curious I have been blogging about that recently over on "the I word" - stop by and say hello if you want! :-) E
This is such a thought provoking post. I like your analogy of baby showers for infertiles being like bridal showers for singles.
I don't think compassion is necessarily something you learn from being in a bad spot, like infertility. I think it is something you either have or you don't. Some people just don't have it.
I hope that saying you heard is true, because I am ready for the ascent.
From one "bitter IF person" to another, this really was one very thought provoking post.
It's funny that you likened baby showers to bridal showers, I said the very thing to a single friend of mine this week on our way to a bridal shower...
I believe that there is an "ascent" out there for all of us, I have to. I believe in God, and therefore His will, so as horrific as this struggle has been, and continues to be, I believe. I find alot of hope in your saying...in your post overall, actually.
Regardless of any other 'bitterness' you might have, I do think that you are a compassionate person, I've experianced it firsthand, and it's meant the world to me.
I hope the ascent comes for your very soon...You certainly deserve it, and so much more.
I too believe that things happen for a reason and in a meaningful way or order...often though it's only clear in hindsight...and here you are in midsight, getting it!
now that's gotta be worth a few brownie points with G-d, isn't it? LOL!
Thanks for sharing these thoughts...
peace
shlomit
Great post. And made me think--who did I connect with? Who became pregnant after I connected with them?
Nice post! I never thought about the bridal shower/baby shower thing, but it makes alot of sense. I don't know why we were made to travel through this terrible journey but I hope your (beautiful) ascent comes soon...
Thanks so much for writing this! I never thought of it that way. I've been griping for a very long time about being a "pregnancy fairy"--in that people around me (including hardcore infertiles) seem to get pregnant at an alarming rate. But looking at it as part of an "ascent" is much more positive and helpful, I think. You are a wise and wonderful woman.
Great blog. Personally, I cannot stand the whole "it will all happen in God's time" nonsense. What exactly is God's time? Teen girls get pregnant, some rape victims do, some get pregnant as a result of adultery. I would ask those who proclaim "God's time" or "God's plan" if those situations were God's perfect will.
I'd volunteer to be that woman, but I'm not sure it works that way. Grat post.
Bea
I loved this post, it was perfect. I often think about IF as being a single woman at a bridal shower. It's exactly the same in my brain. It takes a long time to find someone that fufills you and makes you feel loved and special. You don't want to settle and you want it the way everyone else gets it...the surprise proposal included.
I also think you are wonderful and wise for putting yourself out there for us, because we all feel what you are feeling once in a while (or maybe more than we care to admit) The reason being that we can't help but think that God or fate or karma only has enough happiness for a few people at a time...plus I must admit that even after I come out to some people and they get PG I am still lost and lonely and bitter about it. I know that they struggled but the longer this journey is for me that more I just want my number called, my toll paid , my access granted. So thank you for reminding me that compassion is a wonderful attribute and that there are still good roads ahead..for all of us.
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