Sunday, February 04, 2007

Is there a bitch in the house?

Oh, yeah. I was optimistic for a while, but the bitch has returned with a vengeance. Could it be because every single test I've taken is not only a BFN, but a totally indisputable one? I'm talking a nice, dark control line... and then an expanse as pure white as the driven snow. Not even a hint of another line. Not even a dent.

Today my mom told me that my cousin tried for a "long time" and was getting really discouraged before she got pregnant. I shot back, "unless she had numerous dates with the dildo-cam, had to self-inject with hcg, and had to take progesterone suppositories that made her crazy, I don't want to hear it." And that's my final, bitchy analysis. I want a freaking medal for how hard I'm trying. And I know that I'm getting ART-light... no injectable stims, no IUI, no IVF... "just" cycle monitoring and the trigger shot. But I still want a medal. When people say, "oh, I understand completely, it took us a year to conceive and I was so worried!" I just want to slap them upside the head. They do not understand what this is like. Nobody does, unless they've been there.

My mom wants me to just stop obsessing about this - "of course you'll get pregnant." - and Mr. December laughs ruefully at how I feel the need to shoot down those IRL who try to comfort me. Well, duh.

I need to be understood. I need people to understand how soul-crushing this experience can be... the rollercoaster of hope, then doubt, then fear, then devastation... and the slow crawl back to hope. Every single cycle.

So yeah, the bitch is back. Big time. And I know that you, dear readers, can understand how I feel so utterly hopeless and angry, but can still end a blog post by asking...

is pointless anger an early pregnancy symptom?

and

could all those HPTs really be wrong?

I am so fucked up.

6 comments:

My Reality said...

You are not fucked up. You are dealing with a totally unfair situation. It doesn't matter that you aren't using injectible stims or doing IUI's or IVF. What matters are the feelings and grief associated with infertility.

If you ever want to get together and bitch in person or even over the phone, just let me know.

Oh, as far as I am concerned, dealing with infertilty gives you the right to be a bitch! There is always a bitch in my house!

April said...

It hurts, december. No doubt. And it's something that those without IF issues will NEVER understand. Anger is natural, and expected. The endless cycles are enough to make "a preacher cuss," as we say in the South. It's okay to be pissed.

Baby Blues said...

I'd bitch too if hear another person say to me "you're stressing too much.","you're obssessing." and "all you need is to relax". Even if they mean well, it's just not right to underestimate our feelings. They don't know how much we want a baby and how soul-crushing this could be. I agree with Reality, IF gives you a reason to bitch!

sariel & shlomit said...

december...bitch away. it doesn't matter how long you've been at it or what level of ART is involved. it's painful and it f'cking sucks!!!
perhaps a pity party is in order...or a bitchy party.
IF SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
peace
shlomit

Azurelumen said...

December....

Oh mi amigo de' bitchiness. You're entitled. You know where to find me when you need to.
*hugs*

Sarah said...

hahahahaha!!! i want to be very clear that i'm not laughing at your pain, i just really appreciate that post! you really captured the disappointment, but the insidious optimism too. thanks to you (and all the others) who share these experiences for with the IF subculture, and hopefully educate the outside world too.