Saturday, May 26, 2007

Make mine a double.

My mother-in-law has only known for 26 hours, and she's already pissing the hell out of me.

"Ooh, this is so exciting! Aren't you excited? Why aren't you excited?" Um, do I need to say the words "dead baby"? Get a clue, woman.

"You'll have to get a registry so that my friends buy you gifts you actually want. I've had to buy so many gifts for their grandchildren, it's time to get some back..." Yeah. Because this IS all about you. And gifts. Bite me.

And of course, the gem that no pregnant woman should go 24 hours without hearing:

"Take care of yourself. You're doing everything for two, remember."

Actually, I'm doing everything for one and another one that's smaller than the piece of fingernail I just threw in the wastebasket. BUT... in the spirit of giving my MIL's advice at least SOME consideration, I bring you:

Things I will be doing for two

10. Exercising. Or in my case, studiously avoiding exercise. Instead of "not exercising" for one, my avoidance routine will now also include whining about how I wish I could exercise, but I just can't catch my breath.

9. Puking. Just when you thought you were done... nope, here comes another one - and this one's from Lumpy! Bleeech.

8. Drinking. Yes, you bloody well heard me. You can make my frozen peach bellini a double.*

7. Lashing out at the idiots of the world. Thanks to hormones, I'm twice as bitchy as I used to be!

6. Blogging. There's my entry, witty and insightful, and then there's Lumpy's: "bdnjkb ugrkla gjirea hdhjeg mgunbla". Experts tell me Lumpy's typing will improve when his arm buds sprout fingers.

5. Eating. Of course. Don't worry, we're getting plenty of calcium thanks to my steady diet of ice cream and cheesecake. Does a body good.

4. Sleeping. Move over, Rip van Winkle, you're hogging the blanket. And no need to whisper. It takes twice as much noise to wake me these days!

3. Dressing. My clothes are just that little bit bigger now. Thank god the baby-doll look is in this year... I don't want to be outed yet.

2. Smiling. Well, since Lumpy can't smile very well, his share actually has an averaging effect, so I get more of a smirk. See #7.

And the #1 thing I'll be doing for two...

1. Coming. That's right, multiple orgasms. I'd be an irresponsible mother if I wasn't doing everything for two, right?

I can't wait to tell my mother-in-law.

8 comments:

es said...

Lol. Your post made me laugh.

Aurelia said...

You have that too, eh? Always a lovely combination, orgasms and vomiting...reminds me of the eighties.

jennifer said...

Thank you Sara. That made me laugh so hard I nearly snorted my coffee. You rock.

My Reality said...

I would love to be there when you tell your MIL about the multiple orgasms! I would also love to be having them. . .

Gil said...

Ha ha ha! I love it! Now take a pic of the MIL's face when you tell her THAT one!

Too funny. I needed a laugh today. Thanks! :)

Ann said...

I have been enjoying your blog for about 2 months now. May you have a great 7 more months and know that MIL's mean well even if they are a PITA!

My MIL is 1600 miles away so it's easy for me to say that. LOL

My best to you!

Ann

Laura37 said...

LMFAO!!!! I love it!!! You are the greatest!!!

Elizabeth said...

Decemberbaby,
I am soooooooo happy for you, you are going to be a MOM!I wish you a healthy and happy pregnancy. I love the blog, by the way and I will be checking in EVERY DAY!