Things BFN stands for...

Big fat negative
Better find nougat
Bawling fun nightly
Boring fucking nineDPO
Been feeling nothing
Bitchy? fuck, no!


Okay, so I POAS this morning. I couldn't help myself. Is there an addiction counseling program I can call about this?

Trying to look at it in the best light possible... we know the trigger shot is out of my system. So from this point on, any second line I get is the real deal.

I won't POAS tomorrow. I'll wait until Friday morning. And then all weekend.

I kind of feel like this won't be it, though. What are the chances of buying a house and getting pregnant in the same month? That would be too much good stuff, right? (yes, I know the universe doesn't work that way. but that's not the point.)

I guess looking at new kitchen and bathroom renovation stuff will be easier if I'm not puking. See? There's a silver lining to everything!

BFN...

Buddies & Friends... nice.

Well, that's one horoscope down.

We bought a house yesterday.

Mr. December's horoscope about moving to a better space is coming true. Now I'm just waiting for mine. February 5 would be a fine day to get some good news, wouldn't it?

But yeah, we bought a house. Hooray!

So... what do you think?

It's not as extensively customizable as I thought... but it's better than before.

What do you guys think?

So you know...

I've switched to the new Blogger after hearing promises that it would let me totally customize my layout. The new look of my blog is coming soon!

Finally!

Looks like I got my temp rise. I'm going to ignore the fact that fertility frenemy won't say that I ovulated when I KNOW I did. I mean, come on... trigger shot on Saturday night, major ovary pain on Monday morning... I'm going to assume that the temps are just a bit inaccurate. 'Cause I'm pretty sure you can't ovulate AFTER you start taking progesterone.

There's other stuff I want to blog about, but not right this second. I need a shower.

Oh, and it's FUCKING COLD out. minus 22 degrees. Ack!

Sigh...

It doesn't look any better today, folks. WTF????

1 dpo and a new worry

Mr. December decided that I should follow the doctor's instructions and start progesterone last night. So I did. Now I'm looking at my chart and thinking, wow... that's a teeny-tiny temp rise. Shouldn't it be better when I'm on progesterone? Please take a look and tell me what you think. I'm going insane here.

I couldn't sleep this morning. At 4:00 a.m. I woke up starving. I tried to lie still for four and a half hours so I could temp at my usual time... I survived. Then I ate almonds, tomatoes with feta cheese, and scrambled eggs. That was forty minutes ago, and I'm starving again. But it's too early for this to be EPS, right? Did anybody get this when they were on progesterone?

Shlomit is having IUI today. She hasn't blogged about it, but y'all could comment on her blog and give her some encouragement if you want. I can't wait... we'll be in the 2ww together!

It's feeling a little harder to be optimistic today, but I'm going to do my best.

First, though, I'm going to eat. Again.

It was just a dream...

I got a call from the clinic. Apparently what they thought was a follicle actually wasn't. This didn't make sense to me, but when they told me that my beta was cancelled I understood what was going on. Then it got ugly. I threw a tantrum, I yelled, I cried. And there was nothing anyone could do about it... because my body just wasn't cooperating. Another cycle wasted.

Then I WOKE UP. I've never been so happy to hear my brother-in-law's voice on the phone!

Phew.

_____________

As I understand it, I'm supposed to ovulate today. The few times I have ovulated, I got this sharp pain in my ovary. Today so far I haven't (although it could have happened while I was sleeping). I'm supposed to start the progesterone tonight, but I feel nervous doing it without confirmation that I did in fact ovulate. Am I being silly? Would it be so bad if I waited until tomorrow night?

I really want this cycle to work. I'm optimistic, the sex has been amazing, all in all it would be a great time to conceive. Did I mention I really want this cycle to work?

I think it will. 'Cause I'm an optimist this week.

The morning after

Well, yesterday at 6 p.m. I shot up in a bathroom at a party. Another achievement worth noting.

For those wondering why I had to inject myself when Mr. December should be sharing responsibility, suffice it to say that Mr. December faints when he sees a needle. That would have been hard to explain at the party. "Oh, yeah, we went into the bathroom to make out, and, um... well, can you guys just throw some water on him? Oh, this? It's just a syringe of... um... heroin. Ok?" I think you can all agree that injecting myself was the better option. And in case you want to know, it stung like a bitch for a minute, but then all was fine.

I did, however, have a minor panic moment when I read the instructions, and they said to inject below the bellybutton... I injected to the left of my bellybutton. In my defense, I was following my nurse's instructions. Maybe I'll go POAS to make sure that the HCG made it into my system. At least this time I'm assured it will be a positive!

My optimism continues unabated. Why shouldn't I get pregnant this cycle? No reason at all. I have a great follicle, a decent uterine lining (although I know it could be thicker...), a guarantee that I'll ovulate on Monday morning, and a husband who's ready and willing. Now, if God would just cooperate... I'd be a happy (and nauseated) camper!

I'm trying something new this cycle (aside from actually ovulating). I'm going to visualize that BFP. I'm going to visualize baby furniture and clothes and strollers... and actually see my life unfold. Hopefully what they say about visualization is true.

________

By the way, I've gone ahead and added to my blogroll. If you're on there and would rather be taken off (for some reason), or if you're not there and would like to be, leave me a comment and I'll take care of it. I love reading all of your blogs, and I'm hoping others will too!

Scared, wired, optimistic.

Today's monitoring appointment went well.

Left ovary: a 20mm follicle
Right ovary: a 13mm follicle
Uterus: 7.2mm lining

I'm ready to be triggered. Oddly enough, I didn't realize that I would have to give myself the trigger shot. I'm totally weirded out, never having ever injected anything (except a turkey, with its own juices). I'll have to practice on an orange. Also, we might have to inject the ovidrel this afternoon, when we're scheduled to be at a party. And I thought those stories of shooting up at a party would never be a part of my life. Oh, how I was wrong.

There are babies everywhere this morning. I'm choosing to take it as a good sign. Everyone I encountered at the clinic today was optimistic and said "well, hopefully next time we see you you'll be pregnant". Amazing. These people seem to want it almost as much as I do.

And they're off...

Left ovary is in the lead, with a 17mm follicle... followed closely by a 14mm on the left, and a couple of comparable size on the right... and, in the middle we have uterus, with a lining of 7mm... what an incredible race!

Sorry, I was sleepy and wasn't paying attention to all the measurements this morning.

The doctor noticed something odd: my left ovary is sitting right on top of my cervix. He asked if it was always like that. Now, I have no idea... but isn't that the sort of thing they would have commented on before if they had seen it? He was appalled that we had never done a sonohystogram (and I was appalled that he mentioned that instead of an HSG) and said that if I'm not pregnant this cycle, we should really do one.

Oh, and if I haven't surged yet, I'll be triggered tomorrow.

Yippee Skippee. Hope my lining is thick enough for a good implant.

Snappy answers to stupid questions

As I picked up my prescription for more antibiotics (yup, bronchitis over here), the pharmacist asked:

"Are you on birth control pills?"

pause. then -

"no, I find not taking fertility drugs works pretty well for me. thanks."

I should not be let loose on unsuspecting civilians.

_______

stay tuned tomorrow morning. I will be posting the results of another cycle monitoring appointment. Place your bets now... how many follicles? which sides? how big? and of course, guess the thickness of my uterine lining!

cycle monitoring, day 7

This morning the clinic forgot I was there. I stood in the exam room, naked from the waist down and wrapped in a paper sheet, for close to 30 minutes. Finally I crept out to the nurses' office and moaned pitifully about being forgotten.

Lesson learned: as much as you like sleeping in, just haul your butt to the clinic early so you're not the last one, ok?

In the end, here's what we discovered:

The lining of my uterus is now at 0.3mm. The doctor says it will thicken as soon as I stop taking the Femara

My left ovary has 4 follicles that my doctor didn't bother measuring for some reason.

My right ovary has 2 follicles at 1.2mm and a bunch of tiny ones.

They want me back on Friday (day 10). And they're pretty sure we'll be doing a trigger shot. Nice. It'll be such a treat to actually know when I'm going to ovulate.

That's all, folks. You may now return to your regularly scheduled Tuesday.

On serenity, acceptance, and perspective

Lately I've noticed two schools of thought about ttc. One is "oh my god, this sucks, and if I hear a mom complain about her newborn again I'll have to punch her in the teeth", and the other is "God has a plan and everything happens for a reason". Now the latter philisophy is wonderful, but I've noticed something about it:

The only people who seem to genuinely believe that there is a greater plan and accept their part in that are people who have managed to get and stay pregnant.

And it seems to be a crazy amnesia thing, too... once upon a time they may have been like me: angry, pissed off, depressed, feeling that there is no justice in the world and no rhyme or reason to infertility. And then they get pregnant, whether after months or years, and suddenly they're all blissful and in tune with the "greater plan".

Um, hello? Doesn't anybody else think this is a crock? Come on... if the only people who accept the situation are people who've finally gotten what they want... isn't that a flawed situation? I mean, really. Is there anyone out there who is STILL infertile, maybe someone who has given up on ever having children, who hasn't been able to adopt... who actually believes and wholeheartedly accepts that their childlessness is part of a greater plan... and is actually at peace with this?

Anyone?







Yeah, that's what I thought.

It begins...

First off, I'd like to thank you all for your comments. They make me feel like a real blogger! Stick with me - I'll try not to disappoint.

On Thursday I had my first taste of cycle monitoring. Blood work, and then a date with the dildo-cam. I was weirded out by the whole ultrasound-during-my-period thing, but they evidently do it all the time.

So, on day 2 of my cycle:

- the lining of my uterus was 4mm (down from 7.5 last week)
- my left ovary has one follicle measuring 0.6mm
- my right ovary has one follicle measuring 0.7, plus about 6 tiny follicles apparently not worth measuring
- they called and said my bloodwork was "perfectly fine", but I didn't get numbers

I guess this is all good, right? Any thoughts? I have nothing to compare with.

__________________________________

I started taking Femara yesterday. Such a tiny pill. Such large expectations. It's a wonder Femara doesn't crack under the pressure. I sure would.

__________________________________

My goal for this weekend is to kick this virus's ass. I'm done with being sick. I'm tired of my wheeze. It's over. I'm bringing out the heavy artillery - ColdFX, puffers, nyquil, the works. I am staying on the couch until this damn thing goes away. Or until my next cycle monitoring appointment... whichever comes first.

Day One

Yup, it's the first day of the rest of my fertility journey. Stick with me.

and the chart tells a different story...

Sorry, folks. Looks like a false alarm.

The cliffs of insanity!

Oh, wait. Those aren't cliffs... they're just my breasts. Heh.

It's that time of the cycle, people. 10 dpo. It doesn't matter that I'm certain I'm not pregnant. I start looking for symptoms anyway. And my breasts are seriously fucking with me. They hurt, but not when I poke them. They're sore only when I'm not paying them any attention. And for some reason, they feel like they're getting in my way. Maybe I'm just noticing them more... but maybe they're actually bigger. Impossible to tell.

Welcome to insanity. Population: me.

I feel really tired - but with this cold/cough kicking my ass, why wouldn't I be? And I'm hungry, but not ravenously so. Frankly, I think it would be a miracle if I was pregnant this cycle. I'm mostly looking forward to next cycle, when I'll have femara and cycle monitoring to beef up our chances. Besides, the control freak in me wants to watch those follicles develop.

But my breasts do hurt. There's no denying that.

Oh, come on.

We were supposed to be getting together tomorrow with our good friends who just got married. They asked if we could move our date to tonight, and could we include another couple as well? Of course we said yes.

We meet & greet on the sidewalk. It's all good. Then we go inside and take off our jackets. The female half of this couple is 31 weeks pregnant.

Her due date - March 17
My due date (before I miscarried, obviously) - March 27

How she spent her day - shopping for strollers and considering various cribs
How I spent my day - hacking up a lung and worrying about my fertility

During the meal, she - rubbed her belly
During the meal, I - sucked in my belly so people wouldn't judge when I took the last handful of fries

All I could think the entire time was, that could have been me. I would have been stroller shopping and rubbing my belly and worrying about epidurals. (yes, the evening included a 30-minute conversation about epidurals and birth plans - because our friends are doctors.) Instead, I was stuck looking at her and wondering, why her and not me? Am I less deserving? Was she so much better at eating the right things? Why not me? Why her?

Does anybody else ever feel this way? Am I always going to be resentful when I see women blissfully experiencing their pregnancy as though OF COURSE a pregnancy equals the birth of a living, healthy child?

Wow. I thought I was done being bitter. Guess not.

Any RSVP's for my pity party?

I (heart) my puffers

We have this awesome medical housecall service in my city. Well, I made Mr. D. call... and the doctor came to our house. So much better than spending 3 hours in the waiting room of the walk-in clinic. Even my skeptical husband had to admit that it's a pretty impressive service.

Anyhow, the doctor finally heard my wheeze. He prescribed puffers. I feel better already. Nothing like a hit of ventolin to make the wheezies go bye-bye.

And the doctor said these puffers are safe in early pregnancy. Not that I think I'm pregnant. 7dpo... the giant zit has appeared, but I'm still not convinced it's anything but PMS. Not that I'd know... really, people, how often do I ovulate?

So I'm just waiting for next weekend, when we can start the femara and monitoring. In the meantime, I (heart) my puffers.

I'm so sick.

(insert pitiful whine and barking cough here)

Seems the antibiotics didn't help so much. I still have a deep chest cough, now accompanied by malaise and general misery. I'm so miserable that Mr. December hasn't been able to sleep, so last night I came up to my parents' house for some extra tlc and to give Mr. D. a break. This was never my childhood home (only lived in it for 8 months), but there's something so nice about people who come into your room at 4:30 a.m. with a fresh pot of tea because they heard you coughing.

I'm 6dpo and no eps or ips yet. Not that I'm really expecting any. Last time I got pregnant my only clues were a huge honking pimple (don't remember exactly when that happened), a big emotional explosion at 10 dpo, and the inability to sleep past 5 a.m. Not exactly the stuff of science. But as I said, I'm not really putting any stock in these signs.

Because I've figured it out, you know.

It's not up to me.

The RE hath spoken.

My blood tests were all normal. I have none of the biochemical markers of PCOS. Mr. December's blood tests were all normal. On the ultrasound, my ovaries look like chocolate-chip cookies (my right ovary looks like a giant one). So the RE feels that we can label me PCOS but we don't need metformin because I have no insulin or sugar issues.

The plan is to move forward: as soon as I call them on CD1, we'll start cycle monitoring and femara. We're going to try timed intercourse for the first couple of cycles and see how it goes - Mr. December feels that a good egg is all we'll need.

In the meantime, the lining of my uterus is 7.5 mm and has taken on the fuzzy appearance that my RE tells me is the result of progesterone. Translation for Mr. December: looks like I've ovulated. So if we believe ff and I'm 4dpo, we only have to wait 10 more days before we can get started. Awesome.

It feels like the tide is turning. Maybe 2007 will be my year after all.

T minus 15 hours...

In fifteen hours, we'll be speaking with the RE. Best case scenario is that he'll tell me the tests were indicative of PCOS, and he'll put me on metformin right now and Femara at the beginning of my next cycle. Worst case scenario is that he'll tell me that my blood tests all looked fine and we need to keep investigating to find out why I don't ovulate. Also I'm worried that he'll refuse to start any treatment until this stubborn chest cold is gone. And it's most definitely not gone yet.

On the other hand, this may be a moot concern because Fertility Frenemy thinks I ovulated. A couple of the temps are totally bogus, but I did feel some twinges so it could have happened, I suppose. I've been joking with Mr. December that any kid who can successfully implant with all this violent coughing will probably be able to hang on for nine months or so. If I do get pregnant it'll be nothing short of a miracle, what with this illness and the fact that we last had sex two days before ovulation. I'll also owe Shlomit a debt of gratitude for giving me her fertilitea.

Here's my chart, for the truly obsessive among you:


That's it. I guess you'll be hearing from me on the other side of that fateful appointment.