Sunday, January 14, 2007

On serenity, acceptance, and perspective

Lately I've noticed two schools of thought about ttc. One is "oh my god, this sucks, and if I hear a mom complain about her newborn again I'll have to punch her in the teeth", and the other is "God has a plan and everything happens for a reason". Now the latter philisophy is wonderful, but I've noticed something about it:

The only people who seem to genuinely believe that there is a greater plan and accept their part in that are people who have managed to get and stay pregnant.

And it seems to be a crazy amnesia thing, too... once upon a time they may have been like me: angry, pissed off, depressed, feeling that there is no justice in the world and no rhyme or reason to infertility. And then they get pregnant, whether after months or years, and suddenly they're all blissful and in tune with the "greater plan".

Um, hello? Doesn't anybody else think this is a crock? Come on... if the only people who accept the situation are people who've finally gotten what they want... isn't that a flawed situation? I mean, really. Is there anyone out there who is STILL infertile, maybe someone who has given up on ever having children, who hasn't been able to adopt... who actually believes and wholeheartedly accepts that their childlessness is part of a greater plan... and is actually at peace with this?


Yeah, that's what I thought.


April said...

Nope, this beast is not OK with me. Not in any way. I don't care about the greater plan. I want a baby, and I'm pissed off that I can't have it.

My Reality said...

I am kind of on the fence with this whole thing. I have been trying to have a baby for the better part of 4 & 1/2 years. I do not practice any religion, nor do I identify with any religion. I have gone through the bitter phase of infertility but now I am a little more accepting of the fact that I might not have a biological child. Am I ok with it - hell no. Will I be devastated if I can't conceive - yes. Does that mean defeat? I am not sure it does. I know I won't be childless forever. That is what I hold on to. I will be a mom someday, I just don't know how yet.

As for my change in views - I think a lot of it has to do with Z0loft. I have been taking it for a few months now and seem to have developed a new lease on life. So, really, my new views may just be a "side effect" of anti-depressants. I don't dare stop them, because I don't want to go back to that place.

So, I guess underneath it all, I still feel the same way you do, but the drugs help keep those feelings at bay. Make sense?

Lynn said...

AMEN! I know exactly how you feel. It's easy for people who have children to say such things to women who are having difficulty conceiving. I believe that most of them do it without even realizing how patronizing it sounds. They are just happy that they were never in our shoes or are not in our shoes anymore. But they mean well, so I choose to ignore their insensitivity -- it's either that or go insane.

Just hang in there. Best wishes and baby dust!

ariah said...

I'm going to have to second lynn - both with the AMEN to your comments, and in that those people, the ones making the 'believe in the greater plan' comments are just relieved that they didn't remain in the wrenched cycle of infertility we are stuck in.

I don't know that I could ever be okay with this (at least not without the meds mentioned above), but I've got to figure out some way to try, otherwise it's all going to become far more than I can bear. I don't think that will ever mean I'll come to peace with things - I am definitely devastated and bitter and don't see that changing anytime soon - I'm just hoping I find a way to move through life without that burden crippling me.

Lots of love

Anonymous said...

I believe in the greater plan. It's my plan and it encompasses having what I want. Right now that's a mini cooper s (with a union jack flag on the roof) and a ickle Russian daughter. Will I have both? Toooooo right I will!!!

Anonymous said...

I completely agree - it's so hard for me to deal with those that forget the anger and the tears once they've moved on. You said it perfectly.