Sunday, January 07, 2007

Oh, come on.

We were supposed to be getting together tomorrow with our good friends who just got married. They asked if we could move our date to tonight, and could we include another couple as well? Of course we said yes.

We meet & greet on the sidewalk. It's all good. Then we go inside and take off our jackets. The female half of this couple is 31 weeks pregnant.

Her due date - March 17
My due date (before I miscarried, obviously) - March 27

How she spent her day - shopping for strollers and considering various cribs
How I spent my day - hacking up a lung and worrying about my fertility

During the meal, she - rubbed her belly
During the meal, I - sucked in my belly so people wouldn't judge when I took the last handful of fries

All I could think the entire time was, that could have been me. I would have been stroller shopping and rubbing my belly and worrying about epidurals. (yes, the evening included a 30-minute conversation about epidurals and birth plans - because our friends are doctors.) Instead, I was stuck looking at her and wondering, why her and not me? Am I less deserving? Was she so much better at eating the right things? Why not me? Why her?

Does anybody else ever feel this way? Am I always going to be resentful when I see women blissfully experiencing their pregnancy as though OF COURSE a pregnancy equals the birth of a living, healthy child?

Wow. I thought I was done being bitter. Guess not.

Any RSVP's for my pity party?


Anonymous said...

oh sweetie...i know and understand that torture. i wish i could take this burden off your shoulders and replace it with a baby. i can't speak from experience, but they tell me it gets better and it all disappears when you have the child you were meant to have.

but those might be hollow words.

be gentle with yourself, my friend and yes, i am the first to RSVP to this pity party.


My Reality said...

No, you are not less deserving. Not at all. I am sorry about having to sit there and listen to it all, especially with this baby being due so close to your due date.

And I would like to attend your party. I will bring chocolate cake.

Ariah said...

I responded on the peach, but had to here as well - look's like someone's already bringing the chocolate, but since you can never have too much, I'll bring more. I'm definitely rsvping - wouldn't miss it.

Like I said on the Peach, I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I do take comfort in being able to draw close and support with and from others who are struggling too. It's beyond hard to deal with sometimes, so the only thing I know to do is keep putting one foot in front of another, lean on each other, and have faith. Like Shlomit said, those might be "hollow words", but that's what's holding me together right now.