Thanks, progesterone!

Every cycle I get a couple of symptoms I've never had. They make me think I might be pregnant. Then I test, and it's a BFN.

Yesterday I had a couple of bouts of nausea - they wouldn't go away until I ate a banana or something. "This is a good sign", I thought to myself.

This morning I caved and POAS.

White as the driven snow. No hint of a line. No shadow. Just negative.

I don't feel crushed (yet), but it is a bit of a bummer. Even though we knew this cycle was a wash.

I think I'll go back to bed.

For all the renovation addicts... my new bathroom.

Here's a floor plan of the current bathroom. Tiny and cramped are both understatements...




Once we knock out the closets and add new fixtures, the floor plan will look like this:




The vanities, sinks, cabinets, and faucets are from IKEA. We're getting the tub from a home improvement store, and the toilet is an exciting eco-friendly dual flush (little flush for liquids, big flush for solids) - just like the toilets in Israel, except that the flusher handle isn't plastic.

Here's an artist's rendering of the west elevation in the bathroom... the cabinets are white, and the two glass-door cabinets are going to be home-done modifications of the standard IKEA doors:




And an artist's rendering of the east elevation. We're putting in an acrylic corner tub that will also serve as our shower. The tub surround is white subway tile (21 cents per tile - can't go wrong!) with an alcove (for shampoo and stuff) tiled in blue glass mosaic tile. Instead of buying the apron for the tub, we're going to have the contractor build a frame around it, and then we'll finish it with some faux beadboard (textured paintable wallpaper), a few 1x2's, and some paint. The thing above the toilet is a hotel-style rack with a shelf on top and hooks underneath.



How exciting is this?

____________________

In other news, I'm taking a couple of minutes out of each hour to freak out about the upcoming beta. My cervix is super high and tightly closed (good), but my pulse is still in my "normal" range (bad). My boobs are sensitive but not so sore. I'm starving in the morning and at night, but in between I'm pretty much okay.

Who knows... it's a big mystery is what it is!

I was very tempted to POAS this morning, but I didn't. Hooray for me. I will, however, POAS on Sunday to prepare myself for Monday's result.

AAARRRGH. I think I just want to know, y'know?

Always look on the bright side of life...

*whistling*

I felt the need to put up something more positive in this space. My last post was really how I was feeling, but it does drag me down to look at it now... so here I go with some GOOD news for a change!

I had a visit with my new house (not yet mine) and had the kitchen and bathroom measured. Then I went to IKEA and had them look over my design, tweak it, and then print it. I will be meeting with the contractors next week to get an exact estimate and an installation date. Hooray.. things are moving along!

Then I went to our local home improvement store and found myself a bathtub AND some vanities and cabinets that I might consider using. Yee-haw!

Now all I have to do is get through Passover, go to Israel, and when I come back I can start playing with the sledgehammer! Any other bitter infertiles wanna help me smash things?

I cannot wait. Even now, the house feels like home. I'm so in love!

(and yeah, my last commenter was right... the progesterone does make the symptoms feel so real. A very big part of me thinks I could be pregnant, and the part of me that takes my pulse obsessively (78 bpm) and checks my cervix (high and firm) thinks it's not happening this month. If only the two of them would agree)

Probably not pregnant

Okay, I know it's only 9dpo, but I have the feeling that it's not going to be a BFP this time around, either. Too bad... it would have been nice.

But, since the progesterone is still in full swing, here are my symptoms for today:
- hungry
- dead tired
- sore boobs
- high cervix

for those of you who asked... of course I checked my pulse. 80 bpm. Not spectacular, as last cycle it was around 76-80 and I was definitely not pregnant.

I'm just kind of bummed today. Why couldn't I be one of those women who miscarries but then gets pregnant again soon after? This sucks ass. How much longer is it going to take?

March 27

Today would have been my due date, if I hadn't miscarried.

Somewhere in an alternate universe I'm giving birth, or trying desperately to get myself to go into labor, or maybe lucky enough to be home already with a newborn baby.

But here, in this life, I'm not. And for some reason I'm not as shattered as I thought I'd be today. It was a normal day - housework, appliance shopping, teaching, cooking. When it finally hit me that today was THE March 27, it was kind of in an "oh, that's interesting" way. No waterworks. No theatrics. I guess that the idea of me with a baby right now is so foreign... I'm so used to the BFNs and fertility treatments that I almost never actually visualize myself with a baby. It's just not my reality right now. Is that a good thing?

Maybe this will hit me next week, if I get a BFN. For now it's just part of the past.

Happy un-birthday, little squishy. Your daddy and I loved you so much for those nine weeks.

Oh... NOW I'm crying.

Please, don't ttc and drive.

I almost got in a car accident today.

It was 4 p.m., I was totally exhausted (thanks, progesterone!) and was driving home to take a nap. I needed to change lanes. The car in the next lane over was SO far back, of course I had time. Except that I didn't... a few seconds later there was a horn blaring at me and I swerved back into my own lane. I completely misjudged the distance and speed of the other car. Crap.

So if utter exhaustion to the point of impaired judgment is an EPS, it's looking good.

Otherwise I haven't had any symptoms today. Except for the remarkable hunger. But aside from that, and the need to nap for three hours this afternoon, I've had no symptoms whatsoever.

I'm inclined to agree with those of my readers who suggested just enjoying the hope. That's the plan. The big question is, should I ruin it by starting to POAS at 9 dpo? Discuss!

And to those of you who suggested I focus on kitchens, I'm already there. I spent today choosing my appliances and my faucet. Yesterday I found my backsplash tiles. Of course, I still need a contractor to put this stuff in... but at least I know what I want.

So... discuss the POAS question amongst yourselves. And if you've had any experience with a Jen.n air electric downdraft range, jenn.air dishwasher, or fisher paykel fridge, please let me know... otherwise I'll most likely buy them in the morning.

The totally useless EPS report - 6 dpo

I swore I wouldn't do this to myself. But as the symptoms start, I start to think, "if this is it I'll kick myself for not recording the symptoms!" Plus it's probably a good idea to be able to refer back to see if I've had a particular symptom before. So here are the things I noticed today:

- I had a bizarre anger bubble up inside me as my brother went around the house whistling. If I hadn't suddenly realized that it was hormonal and I should just suck it up, I would have yelled "shut the fuck up! you're driving me CRAZY!" I've had progesterone mood swings before, but I don't think I've ever gone from totally happy to complete outburst in any of my previous cycles. Then again, nobody has been whistling Handel's "Water Music" around me in any of my previous cycles.

- My mouth is really watering. A lot. That's not normal for me, not even in any progesterone week as I can remember.

- 20 minutes after I woke up, I had this sudden feeling of "if I don't eat something this instant, I will be sick." I got it again later in the afternoon, and now my stomach is a bit queasy. Odd.

- The store at the gas station stank of stale coffee (just like an airplane), but my mom couldn't smell it.

- I'm really gassy. Really. It's a good thing I was by myself in the elevator on the way up tonight. Also a good thing that there was nobody waiting to get on when I got off. That could have been embarrassing. I also walked around Home Depot looking for unoccupied aisles so that I could, er, vent. (and I don't mean emotionally)

- This morning, my breasts were distinctly hotter than any other part of my body. I've had moments of soreness, but nothing serious.

I think that's it.

And YES, I am aware that at 6 dpo it's unlikely that implantation could have happened yet... and YES, I know that these symptoms are probably progesterone... but for some reason my heart doesn't seem to know it. I'm feeling the fluttering butterfly of real hope. Would somebody please catch that damn butterfly and put it in a jar somewhere until it's wanted?

Repeat after me: "this cycle was a wash..."

If only I could truly believe it.

To all the gals on bedrest...

If you're on bedrest, I feel for you. I've been on the couch for a measly five hours, and my hips are killing me. Owww! And it's my own fault, too. Yesterday I picked up a whole stack of kitchen renovation books from the library, and tonight I've read them all cover to cover. Well, I flipped through a lot of the technical stuff, but still. That's a lot of sit-on-your-ass-and-read time. I definitely have more sympathy now for women who have to spend days, weeks, or even months on bedrest.

I'm vaguely hopeful today. And my boobs are vaguely sore. But it's still too early for implantation or anything, so I'm not sure exactly what I'm hoping my symptoms (or lack thereof) will tell me today.

I feel like renovating a home is a birthing process of sorts. It's long, uncomfortable, sometimes downright painful, and you can daydream about the end result but it will never be quite what you envisioned. But at the end of the pain, there's your gorgeous baby - er, I mean brand-new kitchen with a farmhouse sink and cobalt blue walls... and it's all worthwhile.

Okay, that was random philosophy. WTF? I've briefly considered deleting it, but nah... this is my thought process, people. Take it or leave it.


IMPORTANT: GTA bloggers, it's time we met! I'm envisioning either a cozy restaurant or a bar (for those of us not in the 2ww) where we can drown our sorrows and take our hugs from virtual to real... or if someone wanted to volunteer their home, that'd be okay too. And there's an offer of chocolate cake... really, we gotta get this going!


I will now return to the couch - reclining, to give my hips a break - and watch a movie with a big bowl of old-school popcorn (I make it on the stove). I love Mr. December, but there's something so delicious about having an evening all to myself.

I can't help but wonder...

There's a philosophy in Judaism that says if you're in a tough situation and you say, "this is impossible..." then God says, "Really? I'll show you what impossible really is!" But if you say, "this is such a blessing," God responds, "Really? I'll show you what a blessing REALLY looks like!"

Yesterday I was telling my friend X (who, by the way, has made it to the second trimester and is my inspiration right now) that part of me wants to be pregnant immediately, and the other part of me feels that it might be a blessing to not be pregnant while we're renovating and moving into our new house. I've finally realized that things are okay the way they are. We're doing our best, we're moving forward, and in the meantime I have a new house and all the fun of decorating and renovating to keep me busy. What a blessing.

Enter God. "You think this is a blessing? I'll show you what a blessing really looks like..."

The clinic called this morning. Dr. C. had a cancellation on April 3. Would we like to have our review then? Hell, yes! So now our review will be the day after our beta, and a couple of days before our next cycle starts (if our next cycle starts, that is). In other words, perfect timing.

Those of you in the know are now thinking, "why does April 3 sound so familiar?" Um, because April 3 is the first day of Passover. I hesitated for about three seconds... and then decided that a) the clinic is a five-minute walk away, b) we don't have to pay or anything (thanks, OHIP!), and c) this would enable us to continue working towards the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying. Right? Right?!?

On second thought, maybe that was God testing my dedication? But whether it's about my dedication to Judaism or my dedication to having a baby, I have no idea.

No matter. Today I'm taking this as the blessing it already is. I've received my reassurance for the day.

And now I'm going for a walk. Hooray for spring!

Hey, I'm functional!

Today was an uber-productive day. Wow. Things are shaping up with our new house (we haven't moved in yet, but I'm organizing contractors) and I finally cleaned out the fridge. Anybody need some penicillin? I've got tons of it growing on my leftovers...

I feel like a heifer. Is it possible for the progesterone to cause bloating after only 24 hours? Mr. December hugged me today and it felt like there was a balloon between our stomachs. Ugh. Of course, I could just put down the damn fork and see if it's still "the progesterone".

Note to self: put down the fork!

I've got hope simmering under the surface here. On the surface, I'm still in limbo - trying to work out whether it will be better for me in the long run to be positive or negative. Trying to figure out whether hope will hurt me at some point. I suppose in the end it will go the way it always does - I'll be hopeful right up until the bitter end, when at 12dpo I test negative. Then I'll be all pissed off until I get the negative beta result, and then I'll cry for a couple of days.

Working on the theory that we write our own life scripts, I'm going to re-write the above...

I suppose in the end it will go the way it always does - I'll be hopeful right up until the bitter end, when at 12 dpo I get a BFP on my dollar store test. Then I'll waffle between excitement and apprehension until I get the positive (and doubling) beta results, and then I'll squeal and jump up and down for a few days before beginning the difficult job of worrying for nine months.

I do like the second ending better. Let's stick with that one.

Owww, my nipples!

My nipples hurt. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I've heard that soreness on the side of your breasts means ovulation and nipple soreness means too much estrogen. But I thought my progesterone was totally fine... my temp is way up, I was exhausted this afternoon, and I hadn't even started the progesterone supplements yet!

Whatever. Please knock me upside the head and remind me that this cycle was a wash. Please. I've already POAS (positive - so the trigger shot did make its way into my system) and put it under my pillow for luck. How ridiculous is that? Repeat after me: this cycle is unlikely to end in a pregnancy.

And yet... I feel so filled with hope today. Maybe it could happen. Maybe we could be on the receiving end of a miracle on April 2. Maybe I'll get to go to the Passover seders feeling content and thankful, instead of bitter that I'm not pregnant yet.

Why do I do this to myself? It's unbelievable. Anybody else riding the rollercoaster of hope and despair with me?

Arggg....

I just called my RE to book a review, since she said that given what happened this cycle we will be changing my protocol for next time.

My beta is on April 2 (we all know what the result will be), and then dear Dr. C. can't see me until April 12. (!!!!!!)

I guess I'm still not used to the whole "you have to skip a cycle because we just don't have time to discuss your treatment plan with you before then" thing.

I haven't had an HSG yet. Assuming she wants one done (and I won't hear that from her until the 12th), May will be shot as well. Half of me wants to beat my head against the wall, and the other half is like, "well, you've waited this long. Another three months won't kill you, I guess." But in reality, and with a best-case scenario, we're looking at me getting pregnant at the exact same time as I did last year. Not that it would cause me any anxiety at all to have two due dates so close together. Nope, no anxiety. No worry of repeating the same experience. None.

I guess I should have booked the review last week. Maybe then they could've fit me in.

Best. Sex. Ever.

To answer your question, we didn't do it at the airport at all. I waited for Mr. December here at home, wearing a sexy black dress and his favourite perfume.

The sex was amazing. Wow.

So that's it for this cycle. I'm tempted to not even take the progesterone, since it's such a long shot anyway... but take it I will.

Thanks for all the encouragement. It means the world to me.

Miss Hoover? I did my shot wrong and now I'm bruised. Can I have another one?

Yup, I did my trigger last night. It bled a bit when I took the needle out. Now I have a bruise roughly the size of a toonie (for you Americans, that's a 1 1/2 inch diameter). What did I do wrong?

Will the shot still work? Or does this mean I've screwed up?

Please comment... I need reassurance!

Crisis averted... for now

Lining - 8 mm (!!!!)
Right ovary - just chillin', kickin' back with some small follies.
Left ovary - follicle is now at 2.5

I have no idea how my lining managed to catch up like that. Amazing. They said my estrogen still looks a bit low, but otherwise we're good to go. Mr. December will be back on Monday afternoon. I'm conisdering renting a room at the hotel airport for an hour or so. Or maybe two, so that I can prop my hips up. You know how it goes.

I will trigger tonight. I will ovulate on Monday. It may be a long shot, because the timing isn't perfect... but what is?

I can't help but wonder whether this whole stupid drama about this cycle was God saying "um, hello... just trust me. OK? I know what I'm doing. I'm not an amateur. Just trust me. I can rescue you from a crap cycle anytime I want to."

Will I ever learn? Probably not.

Will I ever get pregnant? My internal magic 8 ball says "most likely". That's good enough for today.

"But I'm not dead yet!"

This cycle is not completely down the toilet.

Lining is at 5.2
Right ovary has tons of tiny follicles not worth measuring
Left ovary - follicle is at 2.2

"Don't lose hope", Dr. C. said. "I personally got pregnant with a follicle that was at 2.9!"

We're going to hang on until tomorrow and see what's up. If the follicle is not bigger than 2.4, we'll do ovidrel tomorrow night and then I'll have sex with Mr. December in the airport bathroom on Monday afternoon. Dr. C. feels that his sperm are ok, and even though IUI is more efficient it's better to do well-timed intercourse than a late IUI. I'm down with that.

I was going to have to trigger and wait out the last two weeks of the cycle anyway. At least this way we have an outside chance.

I also asked how long we'll keep doing the same protocol if this doesn't work. Dr. C. said that after this cycle, she'll want to change the protocol. I'll find out tomorrow morning what that actually means.

____________________

Mr. December freaked out on me on Wednesday night. We had a huge argument. He wanted to know why I'm so unable to cope, why I can't function, why I'm so crazy. He wanted to know why I can't just get his fucking laundry done. I shot back that this is a major crisis, we're supposed to be a team, and he can't reasonably expect that his life won't be affected by what's going on. It wasn't until today that I realized I'm passive-aggresively trying to make him feel as unsupported, angry, and frustrated as I do.

We had a long talk just now. I explained to him that the worst part of all this is how the treatments make me feel; they're constant, invasive, intense, and the progesterone totally trashes my body and mind. I explained that other women feel and react the same way. I told him how damaging it is that he views my stress and sadness as a personal inability to control my emotions, rather than as a pretty normal result of engaging in these treatments. His belief that I'm putting everything over the top and making a bigger deal of this than it really is... that's the damaging part. I don't feel believed and I don't feel supported.

He seems to finally be getting it. I really hope we can move past this... I need his help. He suggested that if the treatments are so bad for me psychologically and physically, maybe we should just do IVF since it has a much higher chance of working. Frankly, I don't think it's a bad idea.

Well, 2007 is out of the question.

Cycle monitoring this morning (day 7):

lining - 5 mm
right ovary - lots of tiny follicles
left ovary - 1.8mm. !!!

Dr. C says that we will probably have to cancel this cycle. The follicle is big enough to be triggered, but my lining is too thin. AND Mr. December just left, not to return until Tuesday. So even if my lining was ok, there'd be no point in continuing since Mr. D wouldn't be back in time... there's no way we can wait until Sunday to trigger.

Looks like Decemberbaby won't be having a december baby after all. There go my hopes of having a baby in 2007.

Fuck it. I'm going back to bed. Maybe I'll emerge before tomorrow's repeat performance with the dildocam.

In case you can't tell, I'm very pissed off and disappointed. And sad.

It's a bright, bright sunshiney day.

It always amazes me, how much my moods are affected by the weather.

It's bright and sunny here, and warm. I just finished cleaning my kitchen, my bathroom, and my bedroom. I'm dying to straighten the living room too, but I'm trying to get into the habit of not overdoing it.

I've got plans for a fabulous walk to the library, then acupuncture, then back home to bake some fresh bread (in the bread machine, of course) and then I'm teaching bar mitzvah kids.

And then, dear readers, I'm going to a friend's house to watch "Return of the killer tomatoes". I've never seen it before. Will I even like it? Who cares? I'm doing something social and potentially fun. This is excellent news.

So far it's a good day - despite the fact that I feel exhausted. What possible reason could there be for waking up after 9 hours of sleep with dark circles under my eyes and a dull headache? What's up with that? A free progesterone suppository to whomever figures it out for me. That should get you thinking...

Tired. So tired. Yet the sunshine is calling me.

See you later!

good movie

I'd forgotten how any Hugh Grant movie makes me instantly feel ten times better.

We saw "Music and Lyrics" tonight. I could have done without Drew Barrymore, but overall I loved the movie. Hugh is still cute (but looking tired, like me I guess). We had a fabulous time and I didn't even think about any of the things I'm dreading until we arrived at our subway station.

(and yeah, I'm aware that I played "hooky" from Shabbat tonight. I just couldn't "get it up" for the whole Shabbat thing. I need to work on that... I don't want my committment to wane)

But yeah, fun movie. Definitely made me feel good.

Just checking in

It's pathetic. I'm so depressed I don't even want to eat chocolate. I can feel the depression weighing on me, dulling everything. I'm going to bed now for a few hours - not because I'm tired, but because what's the point of staying awake? There's nothing I can motivate myself to do.

I hope this doesn't happen at the end of every cycle. It's already getting old.

It's official.

BFN. Not Pregnant.

At least I had my cry last night... which means that tonight is all clear for some booze and bad movies.

Thanks for sticking by me, everyone. I'll see you on CD1.

T minus six hours

Dammit, I'm awake. I have a habit of not being able to sleep when I'm anticipating bad news in the morning.

I don't know that I can use the word "fuck" one more time about this situation. Aren't you all tired of hearing it? Aren't you veteran stirrup queens tired of hearing me bitch about the failure of my second treated cycle? Isn't anybody longing to slap me upside the head? I sure am.

I'm also longing to kick myself for still holding onto the last shred of hope, that the beta will be positive and my tests will have simply been defective or taken too early. Yeah, that's gonna happen. The same way I was gonna conceive without intervention, or carry my pregnancy to term, or get pregnant by my original due date. Is there a graveyard somewhere for these lost dreams? I think it's time to put them to rest.

I think it's time to put me to rest. The next time you hear from me I'll be biting my nails, waiting for news that will surprise noone.

My body is a temple...

The temple of DOOM.

Fuck me.

I'm getting hot flashes, night sweats, acne, bloating, flatulence, mood swings, sore boobs, and constant exhaustion. And I suspect a yeast infection, too. And I'm not even pregnant.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: progesterone sucks.

Now who wants to help me steal a baby? It's gotta be easier than going through this another 6 or 7 times...

UPDATE: Since I'm a total idiot, I decided to POAS again tonight. BFN. Duh.

Purim and depression: unmasking myself

One popular teaching about the Book of Esther, which we just read in synagogue yesterday, is that it's the only book in the Hebrew bible that does not mention God at all. Not once.

"Esther", rabbis say, is related to the Hebrew word "Hester" which means "hiding" or "hidden". "Megillah" (which is the Hebrew word for scroll) is related to the word "Le-Galot" which means to reveal. So our name for the book of Esther, "Megillat Esther", really means "revealing what is hidden". Popular interpretation says that God was present throughout the story, and miracles happened, but they were hidden. Hidden, just waiting for us to unmask them and reveal them to the world.

At the lowest point in my depression, I didn't recognize myself at all. I had always been positive, giving, cheerful, and compassionate. Suddenly I was bitter, angry, and had very little compassion even for people obviously worse off than myself. I saw only the bitterness, the loss, and none of the blessings still present in my life. I identified with Job from the bible, even though I still had my health, my husband, my home, and all of the people I love around me. Only my fertility was lost.

There were days when I cried for hours. I was anguished because I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I hated the negativity, the hopelessness, the callousness. I missed myself. I cried like a baby who can't see her mother. "Where did you go?" I'd wail. "Come back! I need you now more than ever!"

In my despair I predicted that the person I had been was no longer. That I would never again be happy. I cursed God for taking away my gifts of light, laughter, and love exactly when I needed them. I bitterly told everyone that I was a different person now. Get used to it. What you see is what you get.

But the lesson of Purim is that there are plenty of things beneath the surface. Things you can't see. Things that are moving and changing and directing the flow of life.

It took a long time to unmask the "old me". In fact, the bulk of that time I wasn't even sure where it was. I searched frantically, I cried, I begged. For whatever reason, it took a long time for me to see past the mask of bitterness and find myself again.

I'm not sure why, but it's comforting to know that my positive self was in there all along. It never left me. Neither did God. Will I remember this experience next time things get tough? Who knows? But if I ever tell you I'm a changed woman because of IF, that I'm incapable of loving or giving, you know how to call my bluff. Please do.


What mask do you wear because of IF? What would you hope to find if you could unmask yourself? I want to know. Lurkers, you too!

BFN.

Not even a hint of a second line. Just a negative.

Damn.

It's March. The month in which I was supposed to give birth to our baby. When I miscarried, I took some comfort in thinking that I'd probably at least be pregnant again by the time my due date rolled around. Now I know I won't.

How much longer is this going to take? Why can't I be one of those women who conceives quickly after her first miscarriage? Am I going to end up with another March due date because it will take until July to get pregnant again?

Ugh. Maybe some leftover pizza will make me feel better.

So in the end...

I did do something about my bad mood. Shlomit came over and we went for lunch. She totally cheered me up. (I think the chocolate sushi helped too...) So by the time we parted ways, after wrecking a display at dollarama trying to get the last 7 pregnancy tests, I was feeling pretty good. Thanks, Shlomit!

Last night we were at my parents' house for Shabbat dinner. They had invited friends of theirs and their children who had just (oh, come on, guess...) had a baby.

I had an awesome time. The parents were happy to let me carry the baby around and sing to her. The baby loved it. I loved it. The mom asked me if I could come over and hang out with them. Everyone told me how good I am with babies. Geez, I'm such a baby whore!

Oh, and I totally looked at least two sizes bigger last night. Why, you ask? Because I was BLOATED. Really bloated. Painfully so. When I drummed on my tummy, instead of hearing the usual dull "slap" sound, it resonated. Like a drum. Thanks, progesterone. It took me three hours of shameless gas venting to fix the problem. Oy.

I've never had major bloating before (except when I was pregnant). Could it be a sign? Or is it just from the progesterone?

Only time will tell. Three more sleeps until we get the news.

Well, we knew she was coming...

No, not AF.

The bitch has arrived, courtesy of progesterone. I'm exhausted, I feel like shit, and to top it all off I'm sure I'm not pregnant. I took a test this morning and it was completely negatory.

After teasing me for two days by going up to 90 bpm, my pulse is back down in the 72-76 range.

I can feel the negativity setting in. I'm suddenly feeling jealous of all the pregnant women again. And the women with babies. Ugh. I kind of hoped I was over that, know what I mean?

My attitude sucks today, and I'm not going to do anything about it. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room.

Nothing new to report...

Other than the insane weather. At 1:30 p.m. all was fine. By 2:30, the streets were covered in snow and the driving ice pellets were making it hard to walk with your eyes open. (owww, my corneas...)

My pulse was hovering in the low to mid-80's today, but then I went to acupuncture and after my treatment it was 72, which is normal for me. So who knows?

I'm really bad at waiting. Really bad. Have I mentioned lately how impatient I am?

Since it's so gross outside, I'm gonna curl up in sweats with some oven fries and watch Jon Stewart's coverage of the 2004 election. I love Jon Stewart. I want to have his babies. Or anybody's babies. Really, I just want to get pregnant already.

Toronto girls - stay indoors! I can't stress this enough. Only go outside under emergency circumstances, like if you don't have enough chocolate to last you until tomorrow.