Tuesday, March 27, 2007

March 27

Today would have been my due date, if I hadn't miscarried.

Somewhere in an alternate universe I'm giving birth, or trying desperately to get myself to go into labor, or maybe lucky enough to be home already with a newborn baby.

But here, in this life, I'm not. And for some reason I'm not as shattered as I thought I'd be today. It was a normal day - housework, appliance shopping, teaching, cooking. When it finally hit me that today was THE March 27, it was kind of in an "oh, that's interesting" way. No waterworks. No theatrics. I guess that the idea of me with a baby right now is so foreign... I'm so used to the BFNs and fertility treatments that I almost never actually visualize myself with a baby. It's just not my reality right now. Is that a good thing?

Maybe this will hit me next week, if I get a BFN. For now it's just part of the past.

Happy un-birthday, little squishy. Your daddy and I loved you so much for those nine weeks.

Oh... NOW I'm crying.

13 comments:

Cibele said...

Hi Sara, That is my first time here and I know very well how you feel. My "due date" was June 13th 2006! the other day It just came to my mind that I could be planning the first bday already...I guess it was not meant to be and I am still waiting for my true due date. IF SUCKS!
I hope to get to know you better
Hugs

Adam said...

*hugs*

Aurelia said...

Some of those big dates hit me, and some of them don't. And some of them feel awful much later.

Barb said...

I'am SO Sorry Sara. I really don't know what to say. I couldn't imagine going through what you went through. I just want you to know that I am sorry this happened to you. I hope your dream comes true this month. I'll be sending you ALL of my prayers.
Lots of Love and "Baby Dust"
(((hugs)))

sariel & shlomit said...

so sorry sweetie...isn't it pathetic when we get used to the bad news...i think it's self protection and i'm here to say, that although i'm SNP, i feel as hopeful right now as i did before all of the IF krap!

hang in there, girl!
peace
shlomit

Elizabeth said...

Grief is so uneven, sometimes elusive and sometimes overpowering. I can see how the normal routine can make it seem unreal, while at the same time those memories are inscribed on your heart even if they're not always immediately available. I'm so sorry for your loss (made me cry too!), even when you're not actively feeling it.

Adrienne said...

Thinking of you on your terraversary, DB.

Karen said...

Oh Sara, I'm so sorry. I am wondering how I'm going to feel next month when my due date rolls around. On the one hand, I'm admittedly pregnant, but on the other hand, I was supposed to have a SINGLETON next month.

I wish I had something brilliant to say, but I don't. I just hope that this cycle was the one for you and that you are able to move on to happier things very, very soon.

Thanks for your comment in my blog yesterday... totally cracked me up!

Zee said...

I'm so sorry, Sara. It's so ridiculously hard. March 25 was the 2nd anniversary of my due date. So, in that parallel universe where you're giving birth (or getting ready to very soon), I'm recovering from a 2nd birthday party. Here's hoping that we'll be doing those things in THIS universe as soon as possible.

The Town Criers said...

Sweetie--I'm just sending a hug your way.

Suzy said...

((Hugs December))

Jennifer said...

I want to cry for you.
I am so freaking sorry.
Much love.

My Reality said...

I am crying with you. It all just really sucks.