Friday, March 16, 2007

"But I'm not dead yet!"

This cycle is not completely down the toilet.

Lining is at 5.2
Right ovary has tons of tiny follicles not worth measuring
Left ovary - follicle is at 2.2

"Don't lose hope", Dr. C. said. "I personally got pregnant with a follicle that was at 2.9!"

We're going to hang on until tomorrow and see what's up. If the follicle is not bigger than 2.4, we'll do ovidrel tomorrow night and then I'll have sex with Mr. December in the airport bathroom on Monday afternoon. Dr. C. feels that his sperm are ok, and even though IUI is more efficient it's better to do well-timed intercourse than a late IUI. I'm down with that.

I was going to have to trigger and wait out the last two weeks of the cycle anyway. At least this way we have an outside chance.

I also asked how long we'll keep doing the same protocol if this doesn't work. Dr. C. said that after this cycle, she'll want to change the protocol. I'll find out tomorrow morning what that actually means.


Mr. December freaked out on me on Wednesday night. We had a huge argument. He wanted to know why I'm so unable to cope, why I can't function, why I'm so crazy. He wanted to know why I can't just get his fucking laundry done. I shot back that this is a major crisis, we're supposed to be a team, and he can't reasonably expect that his life won't be affected by what's going on. It wasn't until today that I realized I'm passive-aggresively trying to make him feel as unsupported, angry, and frustrated as I do.

We had a long talk just now. I explained to him that the worst part of all this is how the treatments make me feel; they're constant, invasive, intense, and the progesterone totally trashes my body and mind. I explained that other women feel and react the same way. I told him how damaging it is that he views my stress and sadness as a personal inability to control my emotions, rather than as a pretty normal result of engaging in these treatments. His belief that I'm putting everything over the top and making a bigger deal of this than it really is... that's the damaging part. I don't feel believed and I don't feel supported.

He seems to finally be getting it. I really hope we can move past this... I need his help. He suggested that if the treatments are so bad for me psychologically and physically, maybe we should just do IVF since it has a much higher chance of working. Frankly, I don't think it's a bad idea.


ms. c said...

I'm thinking if you, Sara.
I have no wise words, only to say that you are not alone in all of this shit.

My Reality said...

It sounds like the two of you have made some major headway with all of this.

I have done IUI's and IVF. If you can manage the financial aspect of IVF, I think I would be inclined to move towards it. Honestly, IVF wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I am glad to hear you aren't dead yet.

Anonymous said...

Hey there:

Just wanted to say that this sounds pretty crappy, but also normal. I'm glad you've talked, and I hope he can understand things better. Anyway, now that you've shown me your blog, I'll be reading and thinking of you as often as possible.

Love always,


PCOSMama said...

Just wanted to drop in and say that my hubby and I have fought over the same thing. It's hard because we, the women, are the ones who have to do all the invasive procedures, horribles meds, etc. So while it may seem easy to them, it's hell for us. They have no idea how emotionally and physically stressful IF treatments are!
But in the end it will all have been worth it!