Tuesday, March 06, 2007

T minus six hours

Dammit, I'm awake. I have a habit of not being able to sleep when I'm anticipating bad news in the morning.

I don't know that I can use the word "fuck" one more time about this situation. Aren't you all tired of hearing it? Aren't you veteran stirrup queens tired of hearing me bitch about the failure of my second treated cycle? Isn't anybody longing to slap me upside the head? I sure am.

I'm also longing to kick myself for still holding onto the last shred of hope, that the beta will be positive and my tests will have simply been defective or taken too early. Yeah, that's gonna happen. The same way I was gonna conceive without intervention, or carry my pregnancy to term, or get pregnant by my original due date. Is there a graveyard somewhere for these lost dreams? I think it's time to put them to rest.

I think it's time to put me to rest. The next time you hear from me I'll be biting my nails, waiting for news that will surprise noone.

1 comment:

Karen said...

No, I'm NOT tired of hearing you bitch about the failure of your second treated cycle. Though I don't know if I count as a veteran...

Thing is, I think I bitched more about my first several cycles than I did about my fifth and sixth. For me, it didn't become MORE frustrating over time, it became easier. This isn't a good thing, because this garbage isn't something that we should ever have to "get used to" but somehow, that's how it's worked out for me.

Don't berate yourself for holding on to hope. Hope is the most important thing that you have, for without it, you wouldn't bother with any of this.